Why can't I just move on?

I swear i'm in an endless loop. I feel ok. Then out of nowhere I feel moody and mopey and I stay there. Then I feel slightly better, but not quite as ok as I felt before the mopeys. Its a negative feedback cycle. Lather, rinse, repeat.

The worst part is that deep down I know if you see yourself as a failure, that's how the world sees you yet I can't break out of this self loathing loop.

Catharsis

Today was "D" day, as in donation day. For about 2 months now we've had a big pile of clothes and a few boxes of household/kitchen goods ready and waiting to donate. When I initially put together these bags and boxes, I ignored several drawers of clothes and some areas of my closet. I managed to take all of my old size 12 dress pants off the hangers, but could not bear to part with them. I find that I doubt the staying power of my newly diminished frame and could not bear the idea of giving away pants that I very well may need again one day soon. So this pile of 8 or so pairs of dressy pants and a couple skirts sat there in the corner of my closet taunting me.

Today, the pile is gone. As I was putting them in the pile to go, I was hesitant. As I logged them for tax purposes, I was doubting my decision but as we dropped them off a sense of relief overcame me. It was as if I was shutting the door on a former life. Both a former life in terms of diet and weight and my former pre-layoff days. 2 years later, I still struggle with letting go and being let go. I feel the financial ramifications in my daily life, but rarely delve into the truly emotional journey its been and just how hard it is to rebuild confidence in oneself when an already low confidence level is completely blown to smithereens....

With the pile gone I'm moving on.