The November Blahs...

Mercury returned to normal. No more retrograde. I, unfortunately, have not returned to normal. I feel melancholy and sometimes borderline unstable. Stress at work and temporarily feeling the fact I work 49 hours/week, 6 days out of the week and really have no ability to take a day off if I need it without paying for it in other ways.

I know the strain is a temporary thing. I feel it now, but as quickly as I feel the burn out, it goes away and I'm magically fine with everything. I know why I hang onto the extra job. Until I'm certainly an employee somewhere, I won't let go. I need the comfort of it.

Last week was by far one of the worst weeks I had and I think I'm just a bit shell shocked still. The honeymoon is over with work for sure!

Mercury Retrograde

Something is off in my universe this week.

But I have a feeling I'm not alone. If you choose to believe in astrology Mercury is in Retrograde until the 10th.

"All machinery and things with moving parts--such as computers, VCRs, camera equipment,

 garbage disposals, and so forth, will reveal any weak links now. "

That above sentence encompasses most of my drama this week. All week I've been feeling like I've pissed off the computing gods as I've encountered increasingly random and weird errors at work. I was one step away from personal meltdown tonight. It's probably good I don't have direct contact with the public during times like that.

Then there's the human aspect. I feed very easily on the energy of those around me, one of the drawbacks being an extrovert. Right now changes are abounding and the mood is circling the drain to say the least which makes me extra sensitive to extreme moods. In simple terms I end up feeling like rapid cycling bi-polar barbie. Bouncing off the walls one moment, ready to burn down the building the next.

Also rare: I'm crabby at my husband. Its not often I feel short tempered/annoyed at him and this week, it's probably good we're on opposite schedules as I barely made it through grocery shopping without wanting to scream at him.

As much as I'm a scientist and skeptic of most touchy feel-y things like astrology I really can't help but wonder at times like this if there is a higher explanation... or I'm just having a bad week and REALLY REALLY REALLY need to burn off some anxiety with a long overdue run.

delusion?

Uh oh. I'm teetering past my 50/50 mark: where the yes's may be starting to outweigh the no's to do a marathon.....

1) aside from a couple healing blisters, I'm feeling pretty good. A little stiff but no more so than any other long run which tells me my body is stronger and recovering faster despite not training adequately for the half.

2) in the past during and even after I've said that I had no real desire to run further than the half. Not this time. Even during the hardest parts, I found myself thinking the marathon.

And now I find myself looking at potential ones for next year and not freaking out that I'm doing so and wanting to ask people if they've done it before, experience. I want to start planning training....

Oh dear. Falling down the rabbit hole....

Big Woods Run Half Marathon 2013

I did it! This was my 3rd year doing this race and what an experience. Every year provides it own set of obstacles. Last year it was rainy. The year before, cold. This year the weather was perfect, but I found myself feeling the least prepared I've ever felt for the event.

The consistency of a training regimen had been absent thanks to a dreadful heat wave in late August/early September that killed all of my motivation. By the last 3 weeks I found myself only getting out for my long run but not completing any maintenance runs between. I would consider this training session's tagline to follow the cliche of the road to hell being paved with best intentions because I kept meaning to step it up. I kept meaning to try harder to squeeze in even a short run. Then suddenly it was a week before and the furthest I had run is 9.5 and that was filled with walking for the last 3.5.

Long story short, excuses and lots of them. So I woke up Saturday morning after a mere 4 hours of sleep, loaded up on a good breakfast and set out for the race with absolutely no expectations. Its a trail run so I decided that I would own up to my lack of training and if anything it would be a lovely walk through the state park. That's what I kept telling myself so that I would stop mentally beating myself up for not training adequately.... Now on to the actual race:

Pre-race, I couldn't get the music player on my phone to respond (my efforts to create a playlist of music were now just a waste). I checked my battery life and it was less than the amount of time I would be running so now I had to look forward to a quiet run no matter what and no way to tech to tell me just how I was doing. I had purposely chosen my phone belt over my water belt (deciding to fully utilize the water stops instead for a change) and now it would just be there non-functional. Great. I still wore it though. Why? Safety blanket I guess.

So I embarked on this run with my safety blanket, some homemade energy gel tucked in my sports bra (one of those hidden perks of being female! Sports bras make excellent storage spaces) and absolutely no confidence that this would be anything but a long painful yet pretty walk.

I tried to utilize Pandora radio for a bit so I could have some music and it was actually nice until I entered the park, then I realized the music was almost too distracting for me. Patchy coverage plus an overwhelming feeling that it was cheapening the splendor of the world around me so I tried an audiobook for awhile but that wasn't working for me that well either so I gave up. Next year, I'm leaving the tech in the car. Trail runs are so different than a road race. You're focusing on not tripping on roots, on the world around you. Its more than one foot in front of the other on even pavement where you need distraction.

The first 4 miles flew by. I felt great. I was in my happy place but I was facing the next 2 miles with a sense of anticipation. There's wicked hills at mile 6 and mile 9.5 and many many little hills in between. I knew it was coming which is either a good thing or a bad depending on perspective. So when I hit that mile 6 hill I owned up to it and walked. I knew i still had 7 miles ahead of me and no confidence of actually being able to finish. After mile 6, its a different race for me. My strategy changed from just keep running to "run while it feels good, walk when it doesn't" and actually that served me pretty well! Its also when my lack of proper training made itself fully aware. I started feeling twinges in my right calf muscle right after I'd be running and starting to feel like I hit my stride so I'd have to back off and walk which was incredibly frustrating.

I spent the whole race alternating between feeling blessed, happy & able to run and feeling utterly depleted, asking myself why I continually do this to myself. What kept me going? Knowing those moments of euphoria outweigh the despairing moments. A run like this is the closest I get to a religious experience. I had 2.5 hours to myself to think, to observe, to relish in the splendor of fall in MN. Two and a half hours to feel truly grateful.

I may be moving quite awkwardly today due to feet blisters & sore calves, but its worth it!

And, I beat my time from last year by 2 minutes somehow!
2011: 2:36
2012: 2:32
2013: 2:30

patience, grasshopper

I have been feeling very frustrated lately. Frustrated with work. Frustrated with life. I, despite great strides in the spring about not sweating the small stuff and all the zen happiness that went along with it, had lost my way. Sleep has been a refuge and a prison. Oversleeping. Undersleeping. Eating badly. Not running. No regular yoga. All of the tools in my belt that contribute to my well-being have been absent.

I have felt myself melting into my own little pity party of angst. This has to stop.

What ends now?
- jealousy
-angst and worry
-impatience

What begins now?
-regular yoga practice
-running consistently
-better food choices
-getting up at a reasonable time and living life
-trust in the process

All of these may not happen at once but its time to refocus my efforts. Its time to remember that I have only been back in my field for 7 months. The skills I am obtaining in the industry could lead to more. I am not entitled to anything yet but in time there is a path that could unfold.

Breath and have patience.

Days 3&4

So .... plyo kicked my butt. There are muscles in there woken up that are not happy at the awakening. I'm moving pretty darn funny

That and I had an impromptu schedule change that negated any chance to do a work out so yesterday was a definite rest day.

Today, though, I woke up early and finally acted on my need to run. I'd been having anxiety about running which always happens when its been too long since my last one. I get anxiety because I haven't experienced the calming effects of a run and I get anxiety about that first run after a hiatus being difficult as it always is. But I got up and despite my screaming leg muscles got out the door for 2 miles. I could not push for 3 and you know what, I'm ok with that.

On tap today was Yoga X. 90 minutes of yoga. Yikes.

Expectations: super aggressive, fast paced vinyasas, aggressive hard to reach poses

Realty: Plenty of chattarangas & downward dog, but at a steady enough pace that I kept up and only fell out a few times. I did 70 of the 90 minutes due to time crunch. I can tell that even the tiny 2x a week sessions I'm doing currently have had a positive affect on my flexibility because this wasn't as bad as I have experienced in yoga classes in the past. I like this DVD and I think I'll look forward to yoga day! :)

My legs after yoga are feeling much better! So glad I made the effort to do this one!

day 2: plyometrics

Woke up this morning only a bit sore. I can definitely tell muscles were worked yesterday. Nothing unmanageable though. Running has taught me to listen to my body and I would like to think I'm quite in tune enough not to push too far. Unfortunately that means I don't push hard enough sometimes. I think I pushed it just right.

Usually, this is where I'd go, "oh I'm sore. Guess its a rest day." Not this time. Todays DVD: Plyometrics.

Jump work outs, cardio. The runner in me knows these are the exercises I need to do to get my legs in better condition.

Expectations: hard, jumping & squats

Realty: Squats, squats & more squats...and some lunges.

Thoughts: I could keep up for the most part but definitely had to modify some of the exercises. I liked this one. We'll see how much my legs like me tomorrow....

getting out of my comfort zone

I run. That's my exercise of choice. I like it. I do it as often as I can. Its about endurance. I'm stubborn enough to push through a tough long run. The results are easy to see week to week as my endurance improves.

Every time I set out to train for a distance race, I mean to incorporate more strength training. I hate strength training, mostly because I know I'm weak. Unlike running where I continually prove to myself how strong I am, strength training just shows me how weak I truly am. It brings out every negative voice in the back of my head. That negative voice mocks my attempts and often derails me after 1 or 2 sessions. Deep down I know that if I did more of it like I did with running, I'd improve and eventually get to the feelings I have about running only for strength training. I also acknowledge that a marathon is becoming a bit of a goal for me and I can not do that without getting stronger.

So today a journey/experiment starts: p90x.

My first workout: Chest & Back; Ab Ripper X

Expectations: push ups & pull ups, none of which I can really do

What it delivered: push ups & Pull ups, none of which I can really do.

Well I lie a bit on that, I can do some push ups,... just not as many or as many variations in the video. Pull ups... you know someday I'd love to be able to do 1. Until then it'll be the resistance bands for me!

Ab Ripper X: I was toast after like 2 minutes. The rest I half assed, thus only cheating myself. Maybe by the end of this journey I can make it through it.

So yes, a lot of work to do, progress to hopefully be made. This program works for those who stick with it, may I find my way through.

Coming up tomorrow: plyometrics

Also in less than 2 weeks I do the running portion of a triathalon... I should probably get out for some runs before then. May the sleep gods be on my side so I can get back on track working out.

Sleep: feast or famine

Transitioning to my new schedule has it benefits: seeing my husband everyday, less traffic, the fun 3rd shifters I get to work with but what I'm struggling with is sleep.

Its feast or famine. One or two nights of 10 hours... then a night of no sleep or less than 4 hrs. In other words I'm completely oversleeping or completely sleep deprived with no consistent rest.

I'm also struggling to work out. It means I need to stay up til light to head out for my run thus encouraging the insomnia, but the insomnia and hypersomnia cycles are leading to lethargy/laziness. In the next few days I will outline my P90X training plan so I can start that on Monday.

Another drawback:  I'm hungry ALL the freaking time because my body doesn't know when to eat so it wants to eat all the time.

I'm only on week 2 of this new schedule so i hope in the next two weeks to get my body calibrated to this lifestyle and also work on regaining my life.

Stay tuned....

When being a workaholic backfires

I had two simultaneous trains of thought going this week:

I enjoy working and many times its like paid socialization for me. I enjoy serving a purpose and also enjoy pushing myself. (Its why running is a good sport for me)  I like money too. After 3 years of not having any, its nice to not have to mind every penny.

The other realization though is that when someone who hasn't talked to me in months asks what I've been up to the last few months, the only answer i have is work and running. That makes me kind of sad. What have I done that's been fun in the past 6 months? While I have much to be grateful for in my life I'm starting to worry that I'm driving myself to breakdown.

So this girl needs to start finding a life again. Reintigrate myself socially. Do fun things. Have experiences. I made the choice to live in a big area yet I rarely leave my little bubble. Why was it so important for me to get out of the past places I lived for the glamour of the metro if I don't do anything but sit and watch TV, shop, work & run?

And in this life long journey to what I want to be when I grow up, I need to find myself.

Shift work

Recently my schedule changed. Starting this week I'm flipping to a mostly 3rd shift existence. Its actually a 2nd/3rd position meaning I straddle both shifts. It'll be an adjustment for sure. I'm no stranger to working late nights. I'm no stranger to being awake till weird hours of the day. There are no doubts in my mind that I will work just fine on whatever shift I'm on.

What worries me is balance. Everything I'd developed with eating patterns, sleep patterns, work out times has to change. Then there's the matter of balancing weekend life with weekday life. Do I attempt to flip and flop between them? Find middle ground? I have no answers. I can say that the last couple months have had no balance. At least now I'll see my husband everyday and probably get to have dinner with him too on most days. That alone may go further than anything else to help me feel balanced. Its been harder than I expected the last 6 months only seeing him 1-2 days a week.

For tonight this means I've been forcing myself to stay awake. I spent the whole weekend on my typical 1a-10a sleep pattern. 5 a.m. is my goal. I've wanted to sleep for about 4 hours now. This is going to be a very hard couple weeks of adjustment.

Jealousy gets you nowhere

Jealousy.

Its omnipresent. Marketing companies depend on this aspect of our human nature to drive consumption. No one bears immunity to it. It creeps in when you least expect it. 

It happens. Lately that jealousy has been popping up and its been hard to not fall into the "why not me" trap that often follows the visit of the green eyed monster.

So what's to be done? I see too many people play the victim card. They use that card to abuse those they love. They use that card to break the law because they feel they're owed. Overspend in order to keep up with their neighbors or friends. 

Break the cycle. As of late I'm making a conscious effort to do that. I let the thoughts manifest but do not let them take hold. The thoughts creep in and I can feel my face turning to sour grapes, I start to think of the positives in my life. I take stock of what's going right and what's not working. Then I ask myself, "What are you going to do to change the things that aren't going right?" Because in the end, it all comes down to that. Don't like the circumstances? Change your reaction to them. Try something new. And most importantly remember there maybe someone out there having the same jealous thoughts regarding your life. 

Happy

I am happy.

And this time I'm not going to ruin it by getting all angsty about what's next like I have in the past. Too focused on the next step up the chain to enjoy all I had in my life. No more. I will stop feeling like I'm not good enough. That won't stop me on my quest for learning and self discovery, but I will stop letting my insecurities take the wheel.

I'm bound and determined to enjoy this moment of my life.

I'm going to push down those jealous thoughts that creep in. I will not keep up with the Jones'. I will keep up with myself.

Most of all I'm going to keep doing my yoga, my running. I do those not for the approval of others but the approval of myself.


These are my affirmations.

What next?

Inevitably as my training for various races comes to a close I start looking at what's next. In the past its meant picking an even further distance to push myself towards. This time it's included more thoughts of just keeping on going and making myself marathon ready by fall. I COULD do that. Really I could. That's an amazing feeling, that 13.1 is no longer that intimidating.

So what is next? Do I keep going and pushing myself further and further? Do I try for a duathalon?

Long runs are great chances to think. You're spending well over an hour on your own just with your thoughts or whatever technology you have. I learn more about myself during these long runs. I learn about my ability to push through pain and self doubt. I learn to listen to my body, my breath. I learn what aches and pains are really ones I need to back off from. I learn what it means to set a goal, work hard, face setbacks and achieve that goal.

Yesterday during my 10 mile run, I made a decision about what's next: focus on strength training. Developing those beautiful muscles that carry me to amazing distances so they can do so even stronger and hopefully faster.

I've always felts that my body in my current condition while capable, needs to be stronger if I were to hope to embark on the marathon training route. I've also recently found thoughts turning to the triathalon challenge as a way to push myself in a new direction.

So what's next? After June 8th, I will reward my body with a massage and reward myself for training and finishing my goal with a nice hairdo. I will donate blood on June 10th when I no longer have to fear not having the energy to finish my weekly long run. Then I will pick up my husbands P90X series and see if I can do it for 1 month and see what I can change. I will still run, but will focus on maintaining a 4-5 mile comfort zone.

August 3rd I will participate in a triathalon as part of a relay team. My two friends have to embark on training to meet their goal. My part is only 3.3 miles, not really a challenge so I will work on increasing my speed.

I know I am capable. My long runs have taught me this. I'm looking forward to what's next!

Running in less than idea conditions

It's snowing. It's May 1st. Mother nature has turned against the state of Minnesota. She dangled 80 degree days in front of us, we embraced them, then she slapped us with 39 & snow to welcome us to May. The month where the sun creeps higher in the sky, the flowers burst through the ground, the tress bud... you get the picture.

This weather has been the biggest strain and test of my training. Today was a victory, for the past  month I've been raising my hands in defeat, but no more

Funny things happen when you turn a blind eye to the conditions and go out on your run any way. You start to tell yourself the headwind slowing you down is only resistance serving to strengthen your legs and carry you faster and further when there is no wind. The snow or rain hitting your face telling you to turn around teaches you to work through those inner voices telling you to quit so when its not snowing or raining you're less likely to listen to them. Eventually you hit your stride, be it half a mile in or 2 miles in and the world around you fades. You may feel the sharp pain of a breeze hitting your exposed skin or an errant snowflake crashing down on your nose, but overall you develop a personal bubble. The bubble protects you from what is going on around you, all you feel is your muscles contracting and relaxing carrying you forward. You feel your breath in and out, your heart pumping oxygenated blood around your body. The thoughts telling you to stop change their tune, instead telling you to go just that little bit further. They tell you to correct your posture, relax your shoulders. All in all, the run that wasn't supposed to happen, happens.

Some of my best runs came from days I told myself not to go out the door. Today was that day. I felt joy. I felt misery but most of all I felt the exhilaration of earning my badass points and getting out the door when every fiber of my being was trying to tell me to skip it.

So, don't wait for ideal conditions. Step out the door. Drop your expectations and just let your legs carry you as far as they want to. Amazing things can happen if you let them.

delusions

I had my first dream about running a marathon. I don't remember much of it except for crossing the mile 20 mark. That may be all of the dream, but that snippet tells me that despite my adamant stance that I would never want to do one, my subconscious is starting to accept it. So 2014?

Shock

The shock and horror of Monday's events in Boston are wearing off. I remember similar shock and horror at most of the recent tragedies around the country but this one resonated with me.

Yes there are many tragic things going on at any given point in the world. They are terrible and I'm in no way meaning to elevate the status of this event above that of another. There are places in the world where people don't even feel safe to go to a market without worrying of bombings. This one just hit close to home that is all. Not because I know anyone in it or anything but because I'm a runner.

My heart ached on Monday for the spectators who were there just to cheer on people they knew and didn't.  I pictured friends who have cheered me on at my own races (much smaller races of course). Ached for the people out there pushing their bodies to the extremes (as I've been there, maybe not for 26.2 miles). People leaving nothing behind and just running. People robbed of the feeling of crossing the finish line. I thought of the hours they spent preparing, the sacrifices made so they could qualify and run Boston, only to have it blown apart. The horror in the details of the timing of the explosions, how they meant to corral and inflict the most damage. I found myself Monday thinking it was something of movies, of fiction. "It can't be real." Unfortunately, it was not a work of fiction.

Many times during events like this, I feed on the details. This is the first time, I've found I have a true aversion to knowing the details. I don't know if it would be more comforting for my psyche to know it's 1 crazy person or a whole sleeper cell of crazy. I refuse to read, watch or have anything to do with the media on this event.

24 hour news and the pressure to break the details first. I'm over it. There have been far too many large scale tragedies (school shootings, movie theatres, bombs) and every time I feel the overwhelming amount of chatter wears me out. I become less able to tolerate the "news for the sake of news" attitude. The over playing of the horrific pictures and videos.

Today  (4/17) I ran. I ran for myself but I also believe deep down that I pushed it a little harder for those who's final push toward the finish line got cut short.

Keep running

I took about a month off. Crazy work hours left little time and energy. Then a strange thing happened, I started to develop an anxiety about running. Building up the desire to go then the failure of not going, the anticipation of it being difficult and being sore after. I spent more time talking and thinking about my desire to run, my need to run than actually wanting to run.

So I had little to no hope for Saturday's MDRA 4 mile race. I hadn't run in almost a month. But that didn't stop me. I arranged to carpool to ensure I'd actually follow through with this run. And I'm so glad that I did!

I can honestly say for the first time in a while I had fun running. I basked in the splendor of the "warm" spring sunshine (you can count a 38 degree day as warm here in MN!). I listened to my music and just let go. I didn't worry about time, hills, pace, the other runners. I couldn't access my phone to check it so I just let my legs carry me on and it was everything I wanted and more. This is the running I've missed.

Here's a picture of me listening to my music before and getting psyched up to run:

Yes. I wore a Cookie Monster T-shirt. While most runners there were in serious gear, lots of black, I choose to wear bright colorful happy clothes. If I hadn't opted for the cookie monster, it would have been penguins. Life is too short to take yourself too seriously.  :)

Moment of clarity

I love yoga. My body stretches and rejoices in increasing flexibility.

I like slow, gentle yoga. I don't like aggressive vinyasa. I like breathing, settling into poses. I don't like feeling the pressure to push myself into poses quickly and abruptly. The potential for injury when I do is just too great.

I love the moments of clarity it provides too. The zen follows me through the day.

Busy Girl...

For 2 weeks I will have effectively worked all three jobs at the same time.... Yeah, now I know why that idea was never meant to last! What a terrible terrible stupid idea!?!

I'm going to be working about a month straight with no days off. But this is the last week I'm juggling the bank and going to two jobs in the same day.

Anyway, not much else going on. It's been a rough past week at the lab with lots of test failures/issues but today I finally got reprieve and stuff worked!

other than work, seriously there hasn't been time for anything else!

Highlights:
* Auto Show! Sat in a $120,000 Audi and a $90,000 BMW M5. For the most part, vehicles I was inclined to like, I liked. Vehicles I was inclined to not be impressed with, I was't.

* I really am having fun being back at the coffeeshop. It's a fun outlet and once I figure out the balance, i'm looking forward to keeping it!

New Obsessions:
* Music: Justin Timberlake "Mirrors"; Tame Impala "Elephant"

TV show hangover

This has happened to me with books too. Where the show or book ends and you can't stop being in their universe. I'm obsessed. Need to find a new story so I can get my head out! I have at least 6 months before this tv show comes back on and I'm going to paint myself into a mental corner or wind up watching the whole series a few times over... GAH!

Where have I been?

For many I am omnipresent, it's like I never left. For most, I've fallen off the face of the earth. The drawback to 2nd shift is the socialization that could normally be spread throughout the week must be condensed.

Also I'll admit, I've been selfish. I've made the conscious decision to focus on myself and immersing myself completely into work. I'm actively working all three places right now, though that will be coming to a close after next week as I close the chapter on my life in the banking industry. Last week, I realized I was ready and the universe responded with a new employee filling my place as of March 11th.

I had my first shifts at the coffeeshop in 2 months and it was fun. While I accept every shift won't be fun and right now it's new and exciting again, I've been given the perspective change of being there because I WANT to, not because I HAVE to in order to stay afloat. Its a fun job and ultimately I want to make extra money while I can and of course keep my discount. It's not the dumbest reason to stay. It would only be dumb if I were miserable and I'm not. I have the power now to leave when it stops being good.

Right now, working so much is hard, but life is pretty damn good. I'm happy happy happy. I feel a light in my eyes that had been dimmed. I'm continuing to get better at my job and learn and able to pay my bills. This is one of those times in life where I'm bound and determined to enjoy the ride.

obsessions & other drabbles

in no particular order I'm fixated on:

Bruno Mars
"Glee" songs
"White Collar"
"House of Cards"
Running to explicit songs. I'm finding particular motivation in Rihanna, Eminem, BOB. For the most part, the more explicit/dirty, the better.
Trying scotch - can't explain it but I've suddenly found myself wanting to develop an appreciation for simple drinks.

I'm back to running. I'm finally tapering off my hours at the bank so my 12 hour days are coming to a close. I'm also adjusting to 2nd shift so I'm finding my motivation returning to pound the pavement. I have a 4 mile race March 23rd and a 7 miler on March 30th. Running every two weeks isn't going to cut it. It's my escape too and I've missed it. Missed the feeling that comes from pushing myself. I'm a glutton for punishment and running is a catharsis I need.

That's really all from my corner of the world. I'm happy. Life is good.

letting go

Why can't I?

I sit here with a new job, happiness abounding yet I still hang onto those other two. I can't technically let go of them. Even when I haven't been at one in over a month, I have yet to write down the words, "I hereby turn in my resignation."

It's so final. These jobs  have gotten me through a tough time. A tough time of paycheck to paycheck not even being enough. They're like a security blanket for me. A security blanket that is going to smother me at the rate its going. Deep down, i'm a workaholic. I've spent 2 years scrambling and working as much as I can.   The mentality that I need to work as much as possible and not turn down income at the expense of my sanity is overrunning any thoughts of having just 1 job.

I make a decision, then find myself thinking, "well it'd just be a Monday morning shift.... or.... just a shift every few weeks and I keep my discount."

There's warm fuzzy memories. Leaving a job by choice hasn't been an experience for me since 2008. Then the job I left it for went an abandoned me a year later. Seriously. It's like I'm talking about a relationship!?!?

All good things must come to an end but my compromising nature wants everyone to be happy and place nice together. I've spent many thoughts on figuring out just how all three could co-exist.

Someone needs to beat me upside the head or give me an intervention.

Content

I am content.

There are things going on but in the face of everything, I'm pleased with the direction my life is taking. I'm a perky scientist again and I feel I can close the door on 3.75 years of searching. 3.75 years of tumult in my soul has quieted. It's reminiscent of when I went skydiving. The past few years have been like freefall... chaotic, loud, unsettling, terrifying, exhilarating but it can't go on forever. Then the chute opened and all went quiet and I was left suspended in air staring out at the world around me. Floating, not falling. The chute has opened.

Surreal

After going through over a 3.5 yr hiatus from science, starting January 21st I get to be a scientist again!!!!

I still feel like its not really happening, but I put in my notice at the bank. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me, or half expecting them to call me back and say that its all a ruse.

I'll admit. I'm a bit scared/intimidated. On top of returning to an incredibly technical field, I'll be returning to 2nd shift work. Its also scary to admit that for the first time in 3 years, I may just only have to work 1 job!