Shift work

Recently my schedule changed. Starting this week I'm flipping to a mostly 3rd shift existence. Its actually a 2nd/3rd position meaning I straddle both shifts. It'll be an adjustment for sure. I'm no stranger to working late nights. I'm no stranger to being awake till weird hours of the day. There are no doubts in my mind that I will work just fine on whatever shift I'm on.

What worries me is balance. Everything I'd developed with eating patterns, sleep patterns, work out times has to change. Then there's the matter of balancing weekend life with weekday life. Do I attempt to flip and flop between them? Find middle ground? I have no answers. I can say that the last couple months have had no balance. At least now I'll see my husband everyday and probably get to have dinner with him too on most days. That alone may go further than anything else to help me feel balanced. Its been harder than I expected the last 6 months only seeing him 1-2 days a week.

For tonight this means I've been forcing myself to stay awake. I spent the whole weekend on my typical 1a-10a sleep pattern. 5 a.m. is my goal. I've wanted to sleep for about 4 hours now. This is going to be a very hard couple weeks of adjustment.

Jealousy gets you nowhere

Jealousy.

Its omnipresent. Marketing companies depend on this aspect of our human nature to drive consumption. No one bears immunity to it. It creeps in when you least expect it. 

It happens. Lately that jealousy has been popping up and its been hard to not fall into the "why not me" trap that often follows the visit of the green eyed monster.

So what's to be done? I see too many people play the victim card. They use that card to abuse those they love. They use that card to break the law because they feel they're owed. Overspend in order to keep up with their neighbors or friends. 

Break the cycle. As of late I'm making a conscious effort to do that. I let the thoughts manifest but do not let them take hold. The thoughts creep in and I can feel my face turning to sour grapes, I start to think of the positives in my life. I take stock of what's going right and what's not working. Then I ask myself, "What are you going to do to change the things that aren't going right?" Because in the end, it all comes down to that. Don't like the circumstances? Change your reaction to them. Try something new. And most importantly remember there maybe someone out there having the same jealous thoughts regarding your life. 

Happy

I am happy.

And this time I'm not going to ruin it by getting all angsty about what's next like I have in the past. Too focused on the next step up the chain to enjoy all I had in my life. No more. I will stop feeling like I'm not good enough. That won't stop me on my quest for learning and self discovery, but I will stop letting my insecurities take the wheel.

I'm bound and determined to enjoy this moment of my life.

I'm going to push down those jealous thoughts that creep in. I will not keep up with the Jones'. I will keep up with myself.

Most of all I'm going to keep doing my yoga, my running. I do those not for the approval of others but the approval of myself.


These are my affirmations.

What next?

Inevitably as my training for various races comes to a close I start looking at what's next. In the past its meant picking an even further distance to push myself towards. This time it's included more thoughts of just keeping on going and making myself marathon ready by fall. I COULD do that. Really I could. That's an amazing feeling, that 13.1 is no longer that intimidating.

So what is next? Do I keep going and pushing myself further and further? Do I try for a duathalon?

Long runs are great chances to think. You're spending well over an hour on your own just with your thoughts or whatever technology you have. I learn more about myself during these long runs. I learn about my ability to push through pain and self doubt. I learn to listen to my body, my breath. I learn what aches and pains are really ones I need to back off from. I learn what it means to set a goal, work hard, face setbacks and achieve that goal.

Yesterday during my 10 mile run, I made a decision about what's next: focus on strength training. Developing those beautiful muscles that carry me to amazing distances so they can do so even stronger and hopefully faster.

I've always felts that my body in my current condition while capable, needs to be stronger if I were to hope to embark on the marathon training route. I've also recently found thoughts turning to the triathalon challenge as a way to push myself in a new direction.

So what's next? After June 8th, I will reward my body with a massage and reward myself for training and finishing my goal with a nice hairdo. I will donate blood on June 10th when I no longer have to fear not having the energy to finish my weekly long run. Then I will pick up my husbands P90X series and see if I can do it for 1 month and see what I can change. I will still run, but will focus on maintaining a 4-5 mile comfort zone.

August 3rd I will participate in a triathalon as part of a relay team. My two friends have to embark on training to meet their goal. My part is only 3.3 miles, not really a challenge so I will work on increasing my speed.

I know I am capable. My long runs have taught me this. I'm looking forward to what's next!

Running in less than idea conditions

It's snowing. It's May 1st. Mother nature has turned against the state of Minnesota. She dangled 80 degree days in front of us, we embraced them, then she slapped us with 39 & snow to welcome us to May. The month where the sun creeps higher in the sky, the flowers burst through the ground, the tress bud... you get the picture.

This weather has been the biggest strain and test of my training. Today was a victory, for the past  month I've been raising my hands in defeat, but no more

Funny things happen when you turn a blind eye to the conditions and go out on your run any way. You start to tell yourself the headwind slowing you down is only resistance serving to strengthen your legs and carry you faster and further when there is no wind. The snow or rain hitting your face telling you to turn around teaches you to work through those inner voices telling you to quit so when its not snowing or raining you're less likely to listen to them. Eventually you hit your stride, be it half a mile in or 2 miles in and the world around you fades. You may feel the sharp pain of a breeze hitting your exposed skin or an errant snowflake crashing down on your nose, but overall you develop a personal bubble. The bubble protects you from what is going on around you, all you feel is your muscles contracting and relaxing carrying you forward. You feel your breath in and out, your heart pumping oxygenated blood around your body. The thoughts telling you to stop change their tune, instead telling you to go just that little bit further. They tell you to correct your posture, relax your shoulders. All in all, the run that wasn't supposed to happen, happens.

Some of my best runs came from days I told myself not to go out the door. Today was that day. I felt joy. I felt misery but most of all I felt the exhilaration of earning my badass points and getting out the door when every fiber of my being was trying to tell me to skip it.

So, don't wait for ideal conditions. Step out the door. Drop your expectations and just let your legs carry you as far as they want to. Amazing things can happen if you let them.

delusions

I had my first dream about running a marathon. I don't remember much of it except for crossing the mile 20 mark. That may be all of the dream, but that snippet tells me that despite my adamant stance that I would never want to do one, my subconscious is starting to accept it. So 2014?

Shock

The shock and horror of Monday's events in Boston are wearing off. I remember similar shock and horror at most of the recent tragedies around the country but this one resonated with me.

Yes there are many tragic things going on at any given point in the world. They are terrible and I'm in no way meaning to elevate the status of this event above that of another. There are places in the world where people don't even feel safe to go to a market without worrying of bombings. This one just hit close to home that is all. Not because I know anyone in it or anything but because I'm a runner.

My heart ached on Monday for the spectators who were there just to cheer on people they knew and didn't.  I pictured friends who have cheered me on at my own races (much smaller races of course). Ached for the people out there pushing their bodies to the extremes (as I've been there, maybe not for 26.2 miles). People leaving nothing behind and just running. People robbed of the feeling of crossing the finish line. I thought of the hours they spent preparing, the sacrifices made so they could qualify and run Boston, only to have it blown apart. The horror in the details of the timing of the explosions, how they meant to corral and inflict the most damage. I found myself Monday thinking it was something of movies, of fiction. "It can't be real." Unfortunately, it was not a work of fiction.

Many times during events like this, I feed on the details. This is the first time, I've found I have a true aversion to knowing the details. I don't know if it would be more comforting for my psyche to know it's 1 crazy person or a whole sleeper cell of crazy. I refuse to read, watch or have anything to do with the media on this event.

24 hour news and the pressure to break the details first. I'm over it. There have been far too many large scale tragedies (school shootings, movie theatres, bombs) and every time I feel the overwhelming amount of chatter wears me out. I become less able to tolerate the "news for the sake of news" attitude. The over playing of the horrific pictures and videos.

Today  (4/17) I ran. I ran for myself but I also believe deep down that I pushed it a little harder for those who's final push toward the finish line got cut short.