What's there to say about Wednesday?

Today was just one of those trying days that would have been better spent in bed. My subconscious agreed and I managed to turn off my alarm and wake up at 10:37 am.... 7 minutes AFTER I was supposed to be to work at job #1.... Thank goodness for a part time job where I set my hours and no one is depending on me for the most part. If they had been, I could have dragged myself from bed but instead, I arranged to work tomorrow. It'll mean a long day for a Thursday, but this time I'm ready. Clothes are set out for the two jobs. After this entry, I'm packing my lunch and going to bed because it's 2:30 a.m. and of course I'm still awake. So where was I going with this? Ahh yes, better day to have just stayed in bed. After getting the clearance to rearrange my work days, I did just that. Work out--- forget it!

So I walk in the door to my main job and I don't even make it from the locker room without hearing that it's a mess in there. Whee. In the past I may have gotten upset. Now it's just another day. I show up. In a sick way I'm happy its a mess because it means I have something to do. I set things up, some fail, but I don't get all upset and worked up. I like this new-ish zen but sometimes it just feels like I'm defeated. The passion has been deflated. I'm feeling used up.

I need a vacation.

2014 goals

Running:

1. 1 race per month. I need consistency in my life and having at least 1 race per month, official or unofficial will be really helpful
2. 500  miles in 1 year. I've barely cracked 300 the past 2 years. It's time to up my game.
3. Run Grandma's/Gary Bjorklund Half Marathon in June and finish in under 2:15
4. Run Lola's half Marathon again
5. 
   

Health:

1. Yoga & Meditation 2x a week - Yoga makes my running better. It makes me better overall. I miss it.
2. Strength train more than sparingly
3. Continue to make better food choices, incorporating more organic and cutting out more processed foods

Personal:

1. Read 1 book a month - this shouldn't be that hard, but I have the attention span of a hummingbird on cocaine. 
2. Finish "Anna Karenina" I'm 40% in and refusing to give up!
3. Rediscover the fun things of life - I feel like I work all the time and have little to show for it. Its time to find some balance, spend more fun time with husband
4. Schedule friend time - working 2nd shift this is getting to be really important. Its too easy for me to be disconnected!
5. Go on a vacation
6. Finish unfinished projects - ahem! penguin ornaments, crocheting, painting, house stuff..

So here we go 2014!

The November Blahs...

Mercury returned to normal. No more retrograde. I, unfortunately, have not returned to normal. I feel melancholy and sometimes borderline unstable. Stress at work and temporarily feeling the fact I work 49 hours/week, 6 days out of the week and really have no ability to take a day off if I need it without paying for it in other ways.

I know the strain is a temporary thing. I feel it now, but as quickly as I feel the burn out, it goes away and I'm magically fine with everything. I know why I hang onto the extra job. Until I'm certainly an employee somewhere, I won't let go. I need the comfort of it.

Last week was by far one of the worst weeks I had and I think I'm just a bit shell shocked still. The honeymoon is over with work for sure!

Mercury Retrograde

Something is off in my universe this week.

But I have a feeling I'm not alone. If you choose to believe in astrology Mercury is in Retrograde until the 10th.

"All machinery and things with moving parts--such as computers, VCRs, camera equipment,

 garbage disposals, and so forth, will reveal any weak links now. "

That above sentence encompasses most of my drama this week. All week I've been feeling like I've pissed off the computing gods as I've encountered increasingly random and weird errors at work. I was one step away from personal meltdown tonight. It's probably good I don't have direct contact with the public during times like that.

Then there's the human aspect. I feed very easily on the energy of those around me, one of the drawbacks being an extrovert. Right now changes are abounding and the mood is circling the drain to say the least which makes me extra sensitive to extreme moods. In simple terms I end up feeling like rapid cycling bi-polar barbie. Bouncing off the walls one moment, ready to burn down the building the next.

Also rare: I'm crabby at my husband. Its not often I feel short tempered/annoyed at him and this week, it's probably good we're on opposite schedules as I barely made it through grocery shopping without wanting to scream at him.

As much as I'm a scientist and skeptic of most touchy feel-y things like astrology I really can't help but wonder at times like this if there is a higher explanation... or I'm just having a bad week and REALLY REALLY REALLY need to burn off some anxiety with a long overdue run.

delusion?

Uh oh. I'm teetering past my 50/50 mark: where the yes's may be starting to outweigh the no's to do a marathon.....

1) aside from a couple healing blisters, I'm feeling pretty good. A little stiff but no more so than any other long run which tells me my body is stronger and recovering faster despite not training adequately for the half.

2) in the past during and even after I've said that I had no real desire to run further than the half. Not this time. Even during the hardest parts, I found myself thinking the marathon.

And now I find myself looking at potential ones for next year and not freaking out that I'm doing so and wanting to ask people if they've done it before, experience. I want to start planning training....

Oh dear. Falling down the rabbit hole....

Big Woods Run Half Marathon 2013

I did it! This was my 3rd year doing this race and what an experience. Every year provides it own set of obstacles. Last year it was rainy. The year before, cold. This year the weather was perfect, but I found myself feeling the least prepared I've ever felt for the event.

The consistency of a training regimen had been absent thanks to a dreadful heat wave in late August/early September that killed all of my motivation. By the last 3 weeks I found myself only getting out for my long run but not completing any maintenance runs between. I would consider this training session's tagline to follow the cliche of the road to hell being paved with best intentions because I kept meaning to step it up. I kept meaning to try harder to squeeze in even a short run. Then suddenly it was a week before and the furthest I had run is 9.5 and that was filled with walking for the last 3.5.

Long story short, excuses and lots of them. So I woke up Saturday morning after a mere 4 hours of sleep, loaded up on a good breakfast and set out for the race with absolutely no expectations. Its a trail run so I decided that I would own up to my lack of training and if anything it would be a lovely walk through the state park. That's what I kept telling myself so that I would stop mentally beating myself up for not training adequately.... Now on to the actual race:

Pre-race, I couldn't get the music player on my phone to respond (my efforts to create a playlist of music were now just a waste). I checked my battery life and it was less than the amount of time I would be running so now I had to look forward to a quiet run no matter what and no way to tech to tell me just how I was doing. I had purposely chosen my phone belt over my water belt (deciding to fully utilize the water stops instead for a change) and now it would just be there non-functional. Great. I still wore it though. Why? Safety blanket I guess.

So I embarked on this run with my safety blanket, some homemade energy gel tucked in my sports bra (one of those hidden perks of being female! Sports bras make excellent storage spaces) and absolutely no confidence that this would be anything but a long painful yet pretty walk.

I tried to utilize Pandora radio for a bit so I could have some music and it was actually nice until I entered the park, then I realized the music was almost too distracting for me. Patchy coverage plus an overwhelming feeling that it was cheapening the splendor of the world around me so I tried an audiobook for awhile but that wasn't working for me that well either so I gave up. Next year, I'm leaving the tech in the car. Trail runs are so different than a road race. You're focusing on not tripping on roots, on the world around you. Its more than one foot in front of the other on even pavement where you need distraction.

The first 4 miles flew by. I felt great. I was in my happy place but I was facing the next 2 miles with a sense of anticipation. There's wicked hills at mile 6 and mile 9.5 and many many little hills in between. I knew it was coming which is either a good thing or a bad depending on perspective. So when I hit that mile 6 hill I owned up to it and walked. I knew i still had 7 miles ahead of me and no confidence of actually being able to finish. After mile 6, its a different race for me. My strategy changed from just keep running to "run while it feels good, walk when it doesn't" and actually that served me pretty well! Its also when my lack of proper training made itself fully aware. I started feeling twinges in my right calf muscle right after I'd be running and starting to feel like I hit my stride so I'd have to back off and walk which was incredibly frustrating.

I spent the whole race alternating between feeling blessed, happy & able to run and feeling utterly depleted, asking myself why I continually do this to myself. What kept me going? Knowing those moments of euphoria outweigh the despairing moments. A run like this is the closest I get to a religious experience. I had 2.5 hours to myself to think, to observe, to relish in the splendor of fall in MN. Two and a half hours to feel truly grateful.

I may be moving quite awkwardly today due to feet blisters & sore calves, but its worth it!

And, I beat my time from last year by 2 minutes somehow!
2011: 2:36
2012: 2:32
2013: 2:30

patience, grasshopper

I have been feeling very frustrated lately. Frustrated with work. Frustrated with life. I, despite great strides in the spring about not sweating the small stuff and all the zen happiness that went along with it, had lost my way. Sleep has been a refuge and a prison. Oversleeping. Undersleeping. Eating badly. Not running. No regular yoga. All of the tools in my belt that contribute to my well-being have been absent.

I have felt myself melting into my own little pity party of angst. This has to stop.

What ends now?
- jealousy
-angst and worry
-impatience

What begins now?
-regular yoga practice
-running consistently
-better food choices
-getting up at a reasonable time and living life
-trust in the process

All of these may not happen at once but its time to refocus my efforts. Its time to remember that I have only been back in my field for 7 months. The skills I am obtaining in the industry could lead to more. I am not entitled to anything yet but in time there is a path that could unfold.

Breath and have patience.