obsessions & other drabbles

in no particular order I'm fixated on:

Bruno Mars
"Glee" songs
"White Collar"
"House of Cards"
Running to explicit songs. I'm finding particular motivation in Rihanna, Eminem, BOB. For the most part, the more explicit/dirty, the better.
Trying scotch - can't explain it but I've suddenly found myself wanting to develop an appreciation for simple drinks.

I'm back to running. I'm finally tapering off my hours at the bank so my 12 hour days are coming to a close. I'm also adjusting to 2nd shift so I'm finding my motivation returning to pound the pavement. I have a 4 mile race March 23rd and a 7 miler on March 30th. Running every two weeks isn't going to cut it. It's my escape too and I've missed it. Missed the feeling that comes from pushing myself. I'm a glutton for punishment and running is a catharsis I need.

That's really all from my corner of the world. I'm happy. Life is good.

letting go

Why can't I?

I sit here with a new job, happiness abounding yet I still hang onto those other two. I can't technically let go of them. Even when I haven't been at one in over a month, I have yet to write down the words, "I hereby turn in my resignation."

It's so final. These jobs  have gotten me through a tough time. A tough time of paycheck to paycheck not even being enough. They're like a security blanket for me. A security blanket that is going to smother me at the rate its going. Deep down, i'm a workaholic. I've spent 2 years scrambling and working as much as I can.   The mentality that I need to work as much as possible and not turn down income at the expense of my sanity is overrunning any thoughts of having just 1 job.

I make a decision, then find myself thinking, "well it'd just be a Monday morning shift.... or.... just a shift every few weeks and I keep my discount."

There's warm fuzzy memories. Leaving a job by choice hasn't been an experience for me since 2008. Then the job I left it for went an abandoned me a year later. Seriously. It's like I'm talking about a relationship!?!?

All good things must come to an end but my compromising nature wants everyone to be happy and place nice together. I've spent many thoughts on figuring out just how all three could co-exist.

Someone needs to beat me upside the head or give me an intervention.

Content

I am content.

There are things going on but in the face of everything, I'm pleased with the direction my life is taking. I'm a perky scientist again and I feel I can close the door on 3.75 years of searching. 3.75 years of tumult in my soul has quieted. It's reminiscent of when I went skydiving. The past few years have been like freefall... chaotic, loud, unsettling, terrifying, exhilarating but it can't go on forever. Then the chute opened and all went quiet and I was left suspended in air staring out at the world around me. Floating, not falling. The chute has opened.

Surreal

After going through over a 3.5 yr hiatus from science, starting January 21st I get to be a scientist again!!!!

I still feel like its not really happening, but I put in my notice at the bank. I keep waiting for someone to pinch me, or half expecting them to call me back and say that its all a ruse.

I'll admit. I'm a bit scared/intimidated. On top of returning to an incredibly technical field, I'll be returning to 2nd shift work. Its also scary to admit that for the first time in 3 years, I may just only have to work 1 job!

Half Marathon 2 Complete... now faltering

I did it. I completed half marathon number 2 in October!

Look at those elevation changes! I even beat last year's time by over 4 minutes. I could have hit my goal, but I was starting to feel my calf muscles wanting to cramp so I eased up. I still finished in a respectable 2h 32 m and 9s.

Since then....

Well let's just say my 1 week off turned into 2 which turned into several weeks of only running 1x a week.

And that's where I'm stuck. What brings me joy isn't enough to wake me up in the morning and that's frustrating. But I am finding myself checking out races for next year (even MARATHONS!??? WHAT???) and so I know that I must get back out there if I'm going to follow through on my goal of 2 half marathons and at least 1 10-miler.

Tomorrow is another day... I will try again to get up.

training update, motivation, planning ahead

10 miles.

1 month ago if you told me I'd plan to and succeed at running 10 miles, I may have laughed at you. Not because I was capable, but because my training had faltered and I was having issues even getting out for 3 miles, let alone 6+.

I'm on target for distance, but pace has definitely slowed back down to about an 11 minute mile. I'm not loving the slowed pace, but I have been concentrating on making those runs progressively harder with the distance climbed. During my half last year my climb was 891 feet. Over the past 3 weeks my long runs have been 449 ft, 557 ft and then 501 ft. Probably helps explain the slower pace. Today I threw in some trails for good measure as this will be a trail half I'm doing.

Today's motivation came not from music but from an audiobook. I've been reading a lot online (some ... believe it or not, fan fiction for some shows I watch. Never really imagined myself as the fan fiction reading type. From what I've read though it makes me feel quite normal for all of the imaginary tales i send characters on outside of the show or book when I'm trying to fall asleep) and also been working on some other books sitting in my queue. All the fan fic got me in the mood for a good old fashioned crime novel (I read more historical fiction and non-fiction as of late) so I started an audiobook version of Patricia Cornwell "Scarpetta". I've been following her series since probably 8th grade so it was rather comforting to settle into something familiar. I'm about a quarter of the way done now between the run and then listening several times throughout the day. It was just what I needed for my run. Instead of focusing on the song and whether it pepped me up or the inevitable commercial breaks on Pandora, I got the soothing rhythm of a book. It's not ideal for shorter runs, but when you know you've got nearly 2 hours of running ahead of you, it was quite helpful.

Also motivating: chalk messages left for other runners. There must have been a 5K or some kind of fun run event at that park on Saturday because there were all sorts of messages of encouragement directed at the runners. When I was struggling to get going and then when I was in that hard final mile, seeing those messages was just what I needed. Whoever did it did not intend it for me, but it was fun pretend someone was cheering me on.

I'm 20 days out. This means 1 more long run - aiming for 11-11.5 miles and then something I've never tried: tapering. The weekend before I'm planning to instead hit the trails and work on a short but challenging hill workout.  I will do some quick research on tapering but right now I think I'm onto the right idea.
20 days seems so far away yet I know its really not.

My time last year was around 2 hr 36 min. This year my goal is 2 hr 30 min. No miracles, but hopefully less walking than occurred last year!

the long run

A strange thing happens when you set out for a long run. Last year as I was training for my first half, I was more focused on worrying that I'd ever be able to finish a long run. This year, I entered training knowing that I can run the distance. I had a rough patch in August and was on the verge of giving up, but the past few weeks, I've reinvigorated my training. It's on these past few runs I've finally truly noticed the phases of a long run. 

What would typically constitute a regular run is now your warm up. Those first two miles feel awkward, but you take it slow. But there is a distinct moment when its no longer awkward. Your pace picks up. Maybe it's because that perfect song came in on the rotation of your playlist. Maybe its because you're just about to pass another runner or a walker (that's all I seem to be able to pass are the walkers). Either way, your focus shifts, your head is held a little higher. Determination is written all over your face. Your warm up is over and now you're in it for the long haul. 

The next several miles after that are a rotation of struggle and ease, but overall, you've found your stride. Your pace levels off as well. These are the glorious miles. This is when I feel the zen of running. I feel the joy as push myself up and down the hills. I become one with my world around me. I still fight off the desire to walk, to stop and give up but each time I fight it, I feel stronger.

But the joy  fades once I exit my "comfort zone". For me, this is around 7 or 8 miles. The voices telling me to stop increase.  I can feel my muscles screaming at me that they're done. They threaten mutiny. Each hill becomes a formidable foe. i'm no longer on the offense. But that is the point of the long run, to push you from your comfort zone. Its not about being able to run those miles quickly, its just about being able to do them. Its about seeing that comfort zone stretch from 3 miles to 6 and then to 8 and eventually 10+. 

Running can teach me more about patience and life than any book. Running is my proof that I'm capable of more than I think. Its a lesson in trusting the process. Running is cheaper than any therapist.  I'm at my best when I pay attention. 

I only have 2 weeks of long runs left. I'm aiming for 10 next weekend and 11.5 the weekend after that. Then I taper in the 2 weeks leading up to the run.