delusion?

Uh oh. I'm teetering past my 50/50 mark: where the yes's may be starting to outweigh the no's to do a marathon.....

1) aside from a couple healing blisters, I'm feeling pretty good. A little stiff but no more so than any other long run which tells me my body is stronger and recovering faster despite not training adequately for the half.

2) in the past during and even after I've said that I had no real desire to run further than the half. Not this time. Even during the hardest parts, I found myself thinking the marathon.

And now I find myself looking at potential ones for next year and not freaking out that I'm doing so and wanting to ask people if they've done it before, experience. I want to start planning training....

Oh dear. Falling down the rabbit hole....

Big Woods Run Half Marathon 2013

I did it! This was my 3rd year doing this race and what an experience. Every year provides it own set of obstacles. Last year it was rainy. The year before, cold. This year the weather was perfect, but I found myself feeling the least prepared I've ever felt for the event.

The consistency of a training regimen had been absent thanks to a dreadful heat wave in late August/early September that killed all of my motivation. By the last 3 weeks I found myself only getting out for my long run but not completing any maintenance runs between. I would consider this training session's tagline to follow the cliche of the road to hell being paved with best intentions because I kept meaning to step it up. I kept meaning to try harder to squeeze in even a short run. Then suddenly it was a week before and the furthest I had run is 9.5 and that was filled with walking for the last 3.5.

Long story short, excuses and lots of them. So I woke up Saturday morning after a mere 4 hours of sleep, loaded up on a good breakfast and set out for the race with absolutely no expectations. Its a trail run so I decided that I would own up to my lack of training and if anything it would be a lovely walk through the state park. That's what I kept telling myself so that I would stop mentally beating myself up for not training adequately.... Now on to the actual race:

Pre-race, I couldn't get the music player on my phone to respond (my efforts to create a playlist of music were now just a waste). I checked my battery life and it was less than the amount of time I would be running so now I had to look forward to a quiet run no matter what and no way to tech to tell me just how I was doing. I had purposely chosen my phone belt over my water belt (deciding to fully utilize the water stops instead for a change) and now it would just be there non-functional. Great. I still wore it though. Why? Safety blanket I guess.

So I embarked on this run with my safety blanket, some homemade energy gel tucked in my sports bra (one of those hidden perks of being female! Sports bras make excellent storage spaces) and absolutely no confidence that this would be anything but a long painful yet pretty walk.

I tried to utilize Pandora radio for a bit so I could have some music and it was actually nice until I entered the park, then I realized the music was almost too distracting for me. Patchy coverage plus an overwhelming feeling that it was cheapening the splendor of the world around me so I tried an audiobook for awhile but that wasn't working for me that well either so I gave up. Next year, I'm leaving the tech in the car. Trail runs are so different than a road race. You're focusing on not tripping on roots, on the world around you. Its more than one foot in front of the other on even pavement where you need distraction.

The first 4 miles flew by. I felt great. I was in my happy place but I was facing the next 2 miles with a sense of anticipation. There's wicked hills at mile 6 and mile 9.5 and many many little hills in between. I knew it was coming which is either a good thing or a bad depending on perspective. So when I hit that mile 6 hill I owned up to it and walked. I knew i still had 7 miles ahead of me and no confidence of actually being able to finish. After mile 6, its a different race for me. My strategy changed from just keep running to "run while it feels good, walk when it doesn't" and actually that served me pretty well! Its also when my lack of proper training made itself fully aware. I started feeling twinges in my right calf muscle right after I'd be running and starting to feel like I hit my stride so I'd have to back off and walk which was incredibly frustrating.

I spent the whole race alternating between feeling blessed, happy & able to run and feeling utterly depleted, asking myself why I continually do this to myself. What kept me going? Knowing those moments of euphoria outweigh the despairing moments. A run like this is the closest I get to a religious experience. I had 2.5 hours to myself to think, to observe, to relish in the splendor of fall in MN. Two and a half hours to feel truly grateful.

I may be moving quite awkwardly today due to feet blisters & sore calves, but its worth it!

And, I beat my time from last year by 2 minutes somehow!
2011: 2:36
2012: 2:32
2013: 2:30

patience, grasshopper

I have been feeling very frustrated lately. Frustrated with work. Frustrated with life. I, despite great strides in the spring about not sweating the small stuff and all the zen happiness that went along with it, had lost my way. Sleep has been a refuge and a prison. Oversleeping. Undersleeping. Eating badly. Not running. No regular yoga. All of the tools in my belt that contribute to my well-being have been absent.

I have felt myself melting into my own little pity party of angst. This has to stop.

What ends now?
- jealousy
-angst and worry
-impatience

What begins now?
-regular yoga practice
-running consistently
-better food choices
-getting up at a reasonable time and living life
-trust in the process

All of these may not happen at once but its time to refocus my efforts. Its time to remember that I have only been back in my field for 7 months. The skills I am obtaining in the industry could lead to more. I am not entitled to anything yet but in time there is a path that could unfold.

Breath and have patience.

Days 3&4

So .... plyo kicked my butt. There are muscles in there woken up that are not happy at the awakening. I'm moving pretty darn funny

That and I had an impromptu schedule change that negated any chance to do a work out so yesterday was a definite rest day.

Today, though, I woke up early and finally acted on my need to run. I'd been having anxiety about running which always happens when its been too long since my last one. I get anxiety because I haven't experienced the calming effects of a run and I get anxiety about that first run after a hiatus being difficult as it always is. But I got up and despite my screaming leg muscles got out the door for 2 miles. I could not push for 3 and you know what, I'm ok with that.

On tap today was Yoga X. 90 minutes of yoga. Yikes.

Expectations: super aggressive, fast paced vinyasas, aggressive hard to reach poses

Realty: Plenty of chattarangas & downward dog, but at a steady enough pace that I kept up and only fell out a few times. I did 70 of the 90 minutes due to time crunch. I can tell that even the tiny 2x a week sessions I'm doing currently have had a positive affect on my flexibility because this wasn't as bad as I have experienced in yoga classes in the past. I like this DVD and I think I'll look forward to yoga day! :)

My legs after yoga are feeling much better! So glad I made the effort to do this one!

day 2: plyometrics

Woke up this morning only a bit sore. I can definitely tell muscles were worked yesterday. Nothing unmanageable though. Running has taught me to listen to my body and I would like to think I'm quite in tune enough not to push too far. Unfortunately that means I don't push hard enough sometimes. I think I pushed it just right.

Usually, this is where I'd go, "oh I'm sore. Guess its a rest day." Not this time. Todays DVD: Plyometrics.

Jump work outs, cardio. The runner in me knows these are the exercises I need to do to get my legs in better condition.

Expectations: hard, jumping & squats

Realty: Squats, squats & more squats...and some lunges.

Thoughts: I could keep up for the most part but definitely had to modify some of the exercises. I liked this one. We'll see how much my legs like me tomorrow....

getting out of my comfort zone

I run. That's my exercise of choice. I like it. I do it as often as I can. Its about endurance. I'm stubborn enough to push through a tough long run. The results are easy to see week to week as my endurance improves.

Every time I set out to train for a distance race, I mean to incorporate more strength training. I hate strength training, mostly because I know I'm weak. Unlike running where I continually prove to myself how strong I am, strength training just shows me how weak I truly am. It brings out every negative voice in the back of my head. That negative voice mocks my attempts and often derails me after 1 or 2 sessions. Deep down I know that if I did more of it like I did with running, I'd improve and eventually get to the feelings I have about running only for strength training. I also acknowledge that a marathon is becoming a bit of a goal for me and I can not do that without getting stronger.

So today a journey/experiment starts: p90x.

My first workout: Chest & Back; Ab Ripper X

Expectations: push ups & pull ups, none of which I can really do

What it delivered: push ups & Pull ups, none of which I can really do.

Well I lie a bit on that, I can do some push ups,... just not as many or as many variations in the video. Pull ups... you know someday I'd love to be able to do 1. Until then it'll be the resistance bands for me!

Ab Ripper X: I was toast after like 2 minutes. The rest I half assed, thus only cheating myself. Maybe by the end of this journey I can make it through it.

So yes, a lot of work to do, progress to hopefully be made. This program works for those who stick with it, may I find my way through.

Coming up tomorrow: plyometrics

Also in less than 2 weeks I do the running portion of a triathalon... I should probably get out for some runs before then. May the sleep gods be on my side so I can get back on track working out.

Sleep: feast or famine

Transitioning to my new schedule has it benefits: seeing my husband everyday, less traffic, the fun 3rd shifters I get to work with but what I'm struggling with is sleep.

Its feast or famine. One or two nights of 10 hours... then a night of no sleep or less than 4 hrs. In other words I'm completely oversleeping or completely sleep deprived with no consistent rest.

I'm also struggling to work out. It means I need to stay up til light to head out for my run thus encouraging the insomnia, but the insomnia and hypersomnia cycles are leading to lethargy/laziness. In the next few days I will outline my P90X training plan so I can start that on Monday.

Another drawback:  I'm hungry ALL the freaking time because my body doesn't know when to eat so it wants to eat all the time.

I'm only on week 2 of this new schedule so i hope in the next two weeks to get my body calibrated to this lifestyle and also work on regaining my life.

Stay tuned....