My biggest regret

There's a lot of things that I regret. I've done some no so wonderful things, some down right stupid things. But most of all the thing I regret involved missed opportunities. I regret not taking college classes in high school. I regret letting my dumb as a post guidance counselor talk me out of taking into to chem at the college level the summer after high school. But most of all, I regret not taking the opportunity to to go abroad.

Now, as I attend community college, I get an email concerning a study abroad program in Australia. I'm sure it's for full time only students and I wouldn't be qualified for it but i still think it'd be pretty cool! Seeing as now my fiance is laid off and I'm still underemployed, it'd be the perfect opportunity, right? Say screw you life and go live in Australia for 2.5 months? hmmm. If only.

Sigh

I guess the decision was made for me. I finally came to a decision to apply for the opening and when I went back to their website, the job was no longer posted. Although in thinking about it, I could probably contact the director and see if I can be considered for the opening...

My bucket list

I'm taking a class on the Psychology of Death and Dying. It leads me to think of my own personal bucket list:

1) See Penguins, possibly via a volunteer trip to help with scientific research
2) Travel to Australia and New Zealand; scuba dive on the Great Barrier Reef
3) Visit India, meditate there
4) Find a career I am passionate about, that is also flexible
5) Do a solo jump skydive
6) Have put my feet in every ocean and on every continent 3 down, 4 to go.
7) Visit the Galapagos Islands

Most of my bucket list involves travel.

Huge Dilema

So today on a whim, I visited a local hospitals job site and they have an opening in my prior field. It pays really well, it would be stable, it would erase my money woes and give me back the lifestyle I was accustomed to. BUT, I didn't thoroughly enjoy the work or the politics of that type of work environment. I know people who work in that lab and are very negative about the place. I've interviewed there twice before and didn't get an offer. This place is way more strict than the clinical lab I worked in and research lab I worked in.

My situation sucks right now being on unemployment, but I love having my coffee shop job and the possibility of training for a new field. Do I sell out and try to return to the job I wasn't happy in just so I can have a good paying job again or do I take the hard road for the possibility of future gain/happiness? Or do I try to do it all?

I made it very clear when I left my past job that I had no intention of sticking with that field because of aforementioned lack of happiness and passion for it. BUT i miss the $$$ and stability. I also feel like I'm kind of a joke having applied twice and been declared "not a match". Also, my lack of passion for that job really became apparent once I left that field.

I just don't know what to do.

Easy to get B's

When I was in high school, I was a complete perfectionist.... an almost psychotic one. By the time I got to college, the freedom to re-invent myself + no longer wanting to be a psychotic perfectionist lead to some revelations for better or worse:

1) It's easy to get B's. I discovered I could easily pull a B in a class with some effort, but not too much effort and I no longer wanted to kill myself for an A.

2)I have really bad study habits

3)I can read quickly but I tend to lack the comprehension as a result. I have a hard time drawing the line between useless information in textbook and vital info and try to remember everything, thus get frustrated and give up on reading.

I'm trying to break these habits as I try to go back to school. Of course, starting class has brought these habits to light again. Now I just need the persistence to not get frustrated and take the easy way out....

Class time!

I get to start classes this week!

I'm doing 1 online class and 1 live class. The online class will really push me to be more organized and self motivated which is a skill I sometimes lacked in prior jobs. Yet oddly enough, I get tons of compliments on my self motivation and movement with purpose at my current job.... huh? So maybe it really is that my lab jobs were not really for me, that something was missing. Or maybe it was that the expectations were just that much higher at my prior jobs. Either way, self motivation is an asset to nurture.

If I can translate this self motivation into working out more and doing better in school, that would be fabulous. I know I can do better than I have in the past.

2010 is the year of ___?

So what is this year going to be for me?

2009 was the year of great humbling for me and many changes. I got knocked down off my pedestal and still don't really know where I am as a result. I kind of feel like I went from being on a path to just floating around. I guess going from a full time lab job to a part time coffee shop job will do that to someone....

I think my posts over the last 8 months reflect that. I started this blog as a way to delude myself that I was still able to live the good life on 1/3 the money, but that gave way to reality when the creature comforts I hung on to were bankrupting me. That realization gave way to bitterness. Anger at myself. Frustration at being so overqualified and yet completely underqualified at the same time. Frustration that I can't even tell people what I want and they can't find me a place for me either. I feel like a square peg trying to fit into a round hole. Feeling like I peaked at 25. What does that give way to?

I am enjoying the part time job. It's fun. Not too challenging. I have the personality for it. And as long as I'm getting unemployment, the money I make is mostly icing on the cake so I do have cause to feel slightly less stressed about money. But I'm hesitant to spend any of it. There's a long list of things I want, but I'm so scared to spend it.

So what does 2010 hold for me? I'm taking classes this spring, working part time. I'm suddenly 19 again without the can-do take over the world optimism. I'm only not completely underwater because of my fiance. Without him, I'd have lost my house.It's so scary to admit that.

I won't say 2010 can't be worse than 2009 because if I don't find more than part time work, and my unemployment runs out or I start to make too much at my part time job, I'm screwed. I'm on a tightrope here.

2010 will be the year of ____? I guess I just don't know what it will be.