I just feel lost.
Things need to change but I'm at a loss as to how to make that change.
When I try to search, I get more defeated and all of the usual excuses boil to the surface. Excuses tinged with bitterness and feelings of defeat and failure. When those closest to me try to help and give me ideas, I get defensive and more frustrated. And then multiply that by 2 because not only do I have to try to rationalize and figure out my own situation I have to do this about my dear husband too. We're both lost. We saw our incomes fall by over 50% each in 6 months time and have been "living" on that for 2 years now. I see things I'm possibly qualified for yet after
That's no small adjustment. Thats dreams deferred. That's 2 years of me trying to be a cheerleader only for things to not change for the the better economically. It's 2 years of treading water knowing that one unexpected large bill will set me back for 6 months and as soon as I dig out another one will pop up. It's 2 years of watching those around me go through their own struggles and emerge from them asking myself, "when is it our turn?"
It's a cycle of saying "i'm sick of deferring life and then facing the financial repercussions for months on end. It's days of feeling fine followed by days of not. Days of contentment about what I'm doing because I know despite odds I'm making it work, then a crash or financial stress.
I'm not kidding when I say the only time I feel successful is after a good run.
So here I am... lost. I'm sure this feeling will pass quickly and I'll be back to myself... whoever that is now-a-days
Monday, March 12, 2012
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
A quick meditation on running
As I was driving home tonight from work, this thought popped in my head :
"When I run, I'm a different person. During a run, I feel powerful and controlled where in life I feel powerless and out of control. I feel a success after every run that is normally absent. The only real failure with running, is not doing it."
"When I run, I'm a different person. During a run, I feel powerful and controlled where in life I feel powerless and out of control. I feel a success after every run that is normally absent. The only real failure with running, is not doing it."
Training plan
3 races coming up
A 4 miler in 2 weeks
A 7 miler the week after
A 10 miler on May 27th
and an unofficial half marathon in June (still need to set the date depending on work schedule).
Before, I probably would have searched the internet for a runner designed training plan and probably settled on one of Hal Higgdon's plans, especially a beginner one. His training programs depend on 6 days a week of activity and while they work really well in the beginning for me, I quickly develop training fatigue and start to burn out somewhere around week 4. Work-outs get skipped, I feel bad, thus killing my motivation, I fall further behind. I'm left on race day happy with my results and wondering if I could have done better. This time will be different. I've followed plans and read enough that I'm designing my own plan. It'll be 5 workouts a week with 2-3 rest days. Some weeks will require 3 rest days depending on just how my work schedule plays out. This training will occur while I'm working 2 jobs (48-53 hrs/week total), actively volunteering with my women's group and trying to maintain some sort of household. I discovered last year that the other problem with the 6 day a week training plan was the inability to accommodate it into an already full schedule.
Its not a fleshed out plan yet in that I have days assigned but an ideal week will have 2 normal run days (starting at 3 miles and working their way up to 4-5milers with one day dedicated to speed intervals), 1 biking day, 1 long run day (starting at 3.5 miles and increasing by 1 mile each week). 1 day will be a toss up -- strength and flexibility focus if low energy, another run or bike session if motivated and nice out.
Most of the plans I've followed have involved dedicating 1 day to strength and flexibility. My twist is to incorporate my yoga practice 2-5 times a week whether that be through official 1 hour sessions at the studio or 20 minute at home videos to just getting up from watching tv and practicing my poses.
template for this week:
Monday: Day 1 wound up being a rest day. -- unofficial stretching session
Tuesday: 3.1 mile speed workout
Wednesday: toss up exercise: yoga video
Thursday: 3 mile run
Friday: rest
Saturday: long run 3.5 miles
Sunday: yoga? -- strength training -- bike? undecided.or even another rest day.
A 4 miler in 2 weeks
A 7 miler the week after
A 10 miler on May 27th
and an unofficial half marathon in June (still need to set the date depending on work schedule).
Before, I probably would have searched the internet for a runner designed training plan and probably settled on one of Hal Higgdon's plans, especially a beginner one. His training programs depend on 6 days a week of activity and while they work really well in the beginning for me, I quickly develop training fatigue and start to burn out somewhere around week 4. Work-outs get skipped, I feel bad, thus killing my motivation, I fall further behind. I'm left on race day happy with my results and wondering if I could have done better. This time will be different. I've followed plans and read enough that I'm designing my own plan. It'll be 5 workouts a week with 2-3 rest days. Some weeks will require 3 rest days depending on just how my work schedule plays out. This training will occur while I'm working 2 jobs (48-53 hrs/week total), actively volunteering with my women's group and trying to maintain some sort of household. I discovered last year that the other problem with the 6 day a week training plan was the inability to accommodate it into an already full schedule.
Its not a fleshed out plan yet in that I have days assigned but an ideal week will have 2 normal run days (starting at 3 miles and working their way up to 4-5milers with one day dedicated to speed intervals), 1 biking day, 1 long run day (starting at 3.5 miles and increasing by 1 mile each week). 1 day will be a toss up -- strength and flexibility focus if low energy, another run or bike session if motivated and nice out.
Most of the plans I've followed have involved dedicating 1 day to strength and flexibility. My twist is to incorporate my yoga practice 2-5 times a week whether that be through official 1 hour sessions at the studio or 20 minute at home videos to just getting up from watching tv and practicing my poses.
template for this week:
Monday: Day 1 wound up being a rest day. -- unofficial stretching session
Tuesday: 3.1 mile speed workout
Wednesday: toss up exercise: yoga video
Thursday: 3 mile run
Friday: rest
Saturday: long run 3.5 miles
Sunday: yoga? -- strength training -- bike? undecided.or even another rest day.
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Helloooo spring!
So today was 60 degrees. 2 days ago the morning temperature was 8. Gotta love MN! Spring in MN = 2 glorious weeks before the summer humidity sets in. Before that we sit in limbo in this weird spring-winter combination where the temperature fluctuates widly, snow falls one day, tshirts adorn the masses the next.
Today I took advantage of the glorious weather. A sunny 40 degrees greeted me at 10:30 as I set out for my run. The changing season also means many recalibration runs as I re-acclimate to running in temperatures above freezing and that dreaded experience known as running in heat! I overdressed for this run hands down. I found myself longing to lose my underlayer but decided against trying to remove it whilst keeping on my tshirt and juggling a phone and headphones. Overdressing though, did not kill my motivation. My feet loved their new home in the Mizunos and my body responded allowing me to channel a pretty decent speed workout. I'm seriously trying to incorporate speed wokouts. They're not fun but instead of all-out sprinting right now I just focus on picking up the pace for a certain amount of time and then let myself recover. I think I probably eeked out 6-8 intervals in that fashion over my 3.1 miles logged this morning.
apparently that's exactly what a fartlek is. just the name makes me giggle because I have the maturity of a 12 year old. It always sounded like a more structured thing and I never bothered to really learn what it is. I happened to read an article describing what a fartlek is and apparently, I've been doing it all along! I'm encouraged by my experience last year to keep it up.
While training day 1 was an epic failure -- no running, just some light stretching, I made up for it today. I did 3.1 miles in a personal record time of 29:42. That's right, my first sub-30 minute 5K!!! I now relax on the couch relishing from this amazing run. Tomorrow morning will be a yoga day as I decided against yoga tonight. My muscles will rejoice after the work I put them through today.
Today I took advantage of the glorious weather. A sunny 40 degrees greeted me at 10:30 as I set out for my run. The changing season also means many recalibration runs as I re-acclimate to running in temperatures above freezing and that dreaded experience known as running in heat! I overdressed for this run hands down. I found myself longing to lose my underlayer but decided against trying to remove it whilst keeping on my tshirt and juggling a phone and headphones. Overdressing though, did not kill my motivation. My feet loved their new home in the Mizunos and my body responded allowing me to channel a pretty decent speed workout. I'm seriously trying to incorporate speed wokouts. They're not fun but instead of all-out sprinting right now I just focus on picking up the pace for a certain amount of time and then let myself recover. I think I probably eeked out 6-8 intervals in that fashion over my 3.1 miles logged this morning.
apparently that's exactly what a fartlek is. just the name makes me giggle because I have the maturity of a 12 year old. It always sounded like a more structured thing and I never bothered to really learn what it is. I happened to read an article describing what a fartlek is and apparently, I've been doing it all along! I'm encouraged by my experience last year to keep it up.
While training day 1 was an epic failure -- no running, just some light stretching, I made up for it today. I did 3.1 miles in a personal record time of 29:42. That's right, my first sub-30 minute 5K!!! I now relax on the couch relishing from this amazing run. Tomorrow morning will be a yoga day as I decided against yoga tonight. My muscles will rejoice after the work I put them through today.
Monday, March 5, 2012
hey i put my new shoes on....
and suddenly i think i will be fine....
If you don't recognize it, its from a song by Pablo Nutini aptly titled "new shoes" and it fits the mood of this post which is about new running shoes and new goals. Above is my brand new mizunos waiting for me to pound the pavement.
As winter ebbs into spring, even with snow on the ground, I feel a sense of renewal creeping into my thoughts. I did a trial run with my new shoes and it was wonderful. I did 2.4 quick miles with sprints and to my delight, my feet did not hurt after. The only complaint I could lodge is some numbness in my right foot. Thick socks and too tight laces were probably to blame for that one. Alas, since then these shoes have not pounded any more pavement. Its been hard to overcome my impulse to sleep and hibernate/wallow in my own self pity on the couch. The true test will come in the upcoming weeks as I embark on that spring renewal -- a new training plan! Just what a inherently lazy girl turned runner needs to get her up off the couch and moving.
A solo training plan that will take me back up to 10 miles and an unofficial half marathon. I know I can do this distance. Now I want to see what strides I can make with training diligence, strength and speed.
If you don't recognize it, its from a song by Pablo Nutini aptly titled "new shoes" and it fits the mood of this post which is about new running shoes and new goals. Above is my brand new mizunos waiting for me to pound the pavement.
As winter ebbs into spring, even with snow on the ground, I feel a sense of renewal creeping into my thoughts. I did a trial run with my new shoes and it was wonderful. I did 2.4 quick miles with sprints and to my delight, my feet did not hurt after. The only complaint I could lodge is some numbness in my right foot. Thick socks and too tight laces were probably to blame for that one. Alas, since then these shoes have not pounded any more pavement. Its been hard to overcome my impulse to sleep and hibernate/wallow in my own self pity on the couch. The true test will come in the upcoming weeks as I embark on that spring renewal -- a new training plan! Just what a inherently lazy girl turned runner needs to get her up off the couch and moving.
A solo training plan that will take me back up to 10 miles and an unofficial half marathon. I know I can do this distance. Now I want to see what strides I can make with training diligence, strength and speed.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
the end of an era
My faithful Nikes after approximately 560 miles
In 2010, I decided to challenge myself. I had done 3 5k's, 2 of which I hadn't even mustered up the energy to train for. So, naturally, I set my sights higher... 10K. To do so, I bought myself a new pair of running shoes and started tracking my running to see what progress what made. These Nikes were my splurge. $90 on my meager underemployed income was a big splurge indeed. Especially on a challenge I was not certain I'd even succeed in.
Fast forward 1.5 years later and those shoes saw about 560 miles of roads, trails, mud, snow, ice, rain. These shoes saw me finish that 10K, do several more 5K's, a 7K, a 7 miler, another 10K and ultimately a half marathon. These shoes are what took me from wannabe to runner until I had to face reality that my shoes were breaking down. My feet were starting to hurt after long runs. I had to face the facts that these shoes would not survive my next half marathon training rotation, or if they did, I stood a big risk of injuring myself.
So, goodbye dear Nikes. You're officially retired from running. Your new status is that of the recreational shoe.
stay tuned for: the shoes that will carry me onward
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