lost

I just feel lost.

Things need to change but I'm at a loss as to how to make that change.

When I try to search, I get more defeated and all of the usual excuses boil to the surface. Excuses tinged with bitterness and feelings of defeat and failure. When those closest to me try to help and give me ideas, I get defensive and more frustrated. And then multiply that by 2 because not only do I have to try to rationalize and figure out my own situation I have to do this about my dear husband too. We're both lost. We saw our incomes fall by over 50% each in 6 months time and have been "living" on that for 2 years now. I see things I'm possibly qualified for yet after

 That's no small adjustment. Thats dreams deferred. That's 2 years of me trying to be a cheerleader only for things to not change for the the better economically. It's 2 years of treading water knowing that one unexpected large bill will set me back for 6 months and as soon as I dig out another one will pop up. It's 2 years of watching those around me go through their own struggles and emerge from them asking myself, "when is it our turn?"

It's a cycle of saying "i'm sick of deferring life and then facing the financial repercussions for months on end. It's days of feeling fine followed by days of not. Days of contentment about what I'm doing because I know despite odds I'm making it work, then a crash or financial stress.

I'm not kidding when I say the only time I feel successful is after a good run.

So here I am... lost. I'm sure this feeling will pass quickly and I'll be back to myself... whoever that is now-a-days