Hope Sinks

Hope sinks

That's right, instead of hope floating above all crap that's trying to weigh it down, it sinks as more and more crap piles on top of it.

I started my pt job and that feels good. But the hope of another job so that I can get off unemployment is what is sinking. I just keep feeling like I'm not truly qualified to do anything. Any time I do start to let myself hope, monday comes around and I have to apply for unemployment again. I signed up for classes, but now I have to pay for them. I can't find any information on grants to pay for it and I really don't want to take out student loans.... at least not for this semester. I can't even afford to do a payment plan unless I completely wiped out all my $$ for the downpayment. I HATE BEING THIS STRESSED ABOUT MONEY!!!!!

Not completely unemployed

Well, now i won't be completely unemployed. I'll be "under-employed" part time. I got a job in a coffee shop which as long as I don't make too much, will still allow me to collect full unemployment. I'm looking forward to at least having something to wake up for and possibly having a job that's "fun" again.

Day 13 & 14: Today I am thankful for

This is it. I made it til Thanksgiving!

Day 13: I am thankful for: staying in touch with friends afar. I love when I can just get on the phone with a friend I haven't talked to in a while and we just pick up where we left off.

Day 14: Happy Thanksgiving! Today I am thankful for everyone and everything in my life.

Day 12 of thanks

Today I'm thankful for simplifying.

I bid my data plan farewell. That means my bill will shrink from $80/month to $45!!!!! It's a good thing. I needed to cancel it because my smart phone lcd screen died and i'm using an old school phone until i can afford a new one so a data plan is just a waste of money. Actually it was kind of a waste of money to begin with. It was nice to have when i needed google maps or when i was waiting in line for something and needed to kill time.... But when phone + data is costing 1 week of my share of my income, it's too much. I feel a slight weight lifted cancelling that.

So far (over the past 3 months) I've cut: gym has been put on hold(savings 70$/month), student loans have been deferred (savings $90/month), cell phone data plan cut (savings $35/month), audio book membership cut ($15/month).

Now that i've written that out, i realize how much money i waste and why i've been hemorrhaging money. Right there I had 86% of my money going to carrying costs.... wow.

BLAHHHH

Really sick of not having a job. At the end of this week it's been 6 months. Not going to be a very happy Christmas this year. I can't even afford to buy gifts for the people I love and care about. And I'm sorry, all those people who say, "oh the recession has taught us it's not about gifts, it's about togetherness, blah blah blah"... well they can just shove it. They can probably still afford gifts, they're just using the economy as a self righteous cop out. Because from where I'm standing I feel like an absolute failure.

Thankful Day 11

Today I am thankful for: The Jimmy Dean commercials with the people dressed up as planets and the sun. The whole being out of orbit scene and the peaceful way the sun prods the solar system to get in line thanks to Jimmy Dean sandwhiches makes me giggle. And the take away message of "You're all awesome" makes me smile.

I'm slacking.... Thankful days 9 and 10

Day 9: Today I am thankful for: wine. A great way to unwind

Day 10: Today I am thankful for: sleep. The bright side of not working is I've never been so well rested!

Days 7 and 8: Daily Thanks

Whoops. I have been super busy, so I'll have to recap Thursday and Friday.


Day 7: I am thankful for finding an organization to join that I believe in. It's a blessing to once a month get around a group of women of all ages and be reaffirmed that a group of a few can positively change the world around them through service. It's also great to socialize and develop myself as a leader. This truly fills a void I had been feeling in the years prior.

Day 8: I am thankful for SUNSHINE. Yesterday was such a blah day so it's nice to see the sun. it invigorates me to get things done.

Day 5: Daily Thanks

Today I am thankful for:

My fiancé. He is all that keeps me afloat sometimes. He knows how to take over when I shut down. He accepts me for all my weirdness and faults. Who knew just over 4 years ago, I met the man I'll marry. As much as I did to push him away and sabotage things, he's stuck by my side.

Day 4: Today I am Thankful For:

Optimism. No matter how doom and gloom I feel, no matter what adversity his me, I find it impossible not to see a positive outcome. I have my bubble of doom, but only visit it once and a while.

Day 3: Today I am thankful for

Today I am Thankful for:

Pets- My other endless source of amusement. Sometimes whiny, sometimes troublemakers, yet I can't remember life without them.

chirpy cats and disappearing into my bubble.

I sit here, unable to sleep. The only sound in the house is that of my typing, the TV and the cat chirping. She's running around playing with random things and chirping/cooing. it's the strangest thing as she's usually a really quiet cat. It's kind of funny/cute.

Anyway, enough about the cat. I'm definitely sulking. I was super depressed on wednesday. Almost crying over nothing in the car, imagining tragic car accident/car running off road depressed. It passed as those feelings are usually pretty short lived. Well I guess I shouldn't say passed because it merely diminished to a dull ache. That dull ache reminding me of my setbacks, the money I don't have, the swift change from carefree to chronic worry, my lack of purpose/identity.

It's so weird to be so happy in my personal life yet completely miserable with where my professional life has gone. And now the lack of a professional life is making my contentness in personal life erode away.

So as each week passes, I feel like disappearing into a bubble. Withdrawing from those around me. This bubble containing just me to stew in my worry and self-doubt. Aside from my daily thanks, I'll be in my bubble.

Day 2: Today I am thankful for

Today I am thankful for:

A support system. Today I volunteered and the people I was helping are victims of not having a support system. Even though my situation is unfavorable right now, I have a parents, a fiance and future in-laws who I can depend on if I needed it. I can't imagine what things would be like if I didn't have anyone to fall back on.

My daily thanks

I saw this going around FB but decided instead to make a blog post.

Every day this month until Thanksgiving, think of one thing that you are thankful for and post it as your status. "Today I am thankful for..." The longer you do it, the harder it gets! Now if you think you can do it then repost this message as your status to invite others to take the challenge, then post what YOU are thankful for today."

Today I am thankful for:

I won't cop out and say life. I will say that I'm thankful for my house/my blank canvas. Even though it's an expensive venture, it's given me endless projects and ideas. It's helped me stay busy even though I'm not working.

I've done this before....

I've blogged in the past. I know it's a little passé to be doing it, twitter is the thing, but twitter seems asinine. No one needs to hear every little thought that enters my mind, rather self indulgent this twitter thing is. So I'll blog..... maybe. or I'll make a few posts... get bored and reinvent this in a few months....