I have been up and down. Yesterday was a down/low point. Today is a rally.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Sunday, September 25, 2011
negative energy and counteracting it....
I've really been nostalgic this last week. It's not helpful because I've been nostalgic for how things were. I've, dare I say it, actually been missing the lab specifically that big one.
For as far as I've come healthly life-wise, I've stagnated otherwise. I feel like I'm running in place while everyone around me is moving forward. Its frustrating and hard to keep the jealousy in check. Its a toxic force and only serves to hold me further in my place. knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easy to overcome and move on. "Its not fair" and "why not me" has been in my thoughts a lot. It's causing me to put up a wall because if I don't see anyone, then I don't have to think about it. I don't have to feel like Debbie Downer. I'm fighting not only jealousy but my psyche seeking isolationism in direct competition with my social side which craves seeing friends.
I also begin to feel resentment towards dear husband for not moving forward either. That inner voice that I try to squash down telling me I'm the only one doing anything rears its ugly little head along with that jealousy monster. More negative energy.
In good news, I ran 9.0 miles today. That's the furthest I've ever run and it actually felt quite good during it! It was a bit rough around the mid section of the run, but the beautiful weather, focusing on one foot in front of another, the fact that even after over an hour of running and moving onward to 1 hr 45 minutes of running I was not huffing and puffing/wanting to die, pushed me onward. Running helps counteract the negative energy which is probably why I keep it up.
3 weeks til half marathon. This 9.0 mile run today, on top of counteracting negative energy really helped me feel good about the half marathon and completing it. I won't complete it quickly, but it will be done. Another goal set and realized. If only it worked that simply for other things in life....
For as far as I've come healthly life-wise, I've stagnated otherwise. I feel like I'm running in place while everyone around me is moving forward. Its frustrating and hard to keep the jealousy in check. Its a toxic force and only serves to hold me further in my place. knowing that doesn't necessarily make it easy to overcome and move on. "Its not fair" and "why not me" has been in my thoughts a lot. It's causing me to put up a wall because if I don't see anyone, then I don't have to think about it. I don't have to feel like Debbie Downer. I'm fighting not only jealousy but my psyche seeking isolationism in direct competition with my social side which craves seeing friends.
I also begin to feel resentment towards dear husband for not moving forward either. That inner voice that I try to squash down telling me I'm the only one doing anything rears its ugly little head along with that jealousy monster. More negative energy.
In good news, I ran 9.0 miles today. That's the furthest I've ever run and it actually felt quite good during it! It was a bit rough around the mid section of the run, but the beautiful weather, focusing on one foot in front of another, the fact that even after over an hour of running and moving onward to 1 hr 45 minutes of running I was not huffing and puffing/wanting to die, pushed me onward. Running helps counteract the negative energy which is probably why I keep it up.
3 weeks til half marathon. This 9.0 mile run today, on top of counteracting negative energy really helped me feel good about the half marathon and completing it. I won't complete it quickly, but it will be done. Another goal set and realized. If only it worked that simply for other things in life....
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
When do you give up?
Do you give up? Is that a sign of weakness, or acceptance?
When does persistence become delusion?
When does it be become hanging on to something that will never be again?
Does 6 months = irrelevance? How about 1 year? 2.5 years? Why?
When does one just hit the delete button on that experience?
I have no answers, only questions.
When does persistence become delusion?
When does it be become hanging on to something that will never be again?
Does 6 months = irrelevance? How about 1 year? 2.5 years? Why?
When does one just hit the delete button on that experience?
I have no answers, only questions.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
measurements
Last October (2010) measurements:
Weight: 138
Just under bust: 30" ------ -3.5"
Weight: 138
Just under bust: 30" ------ -3.5"
Waist: 32" ----- -2.5"
Hips: 38.5" ----- -2.0"
Thighs: 23.5" (R), 23" (left) ---- -1.0"
September 2011 measurements:
Weight: 128-130
Just under bust: 27" ---- -3" from last year and down 6.5 overall!
Waist: 30" ------- -2" and 4.5-6 overall
Hips: 37" ------- -1.5" and 3.5-4" overall
Thighs: 22.5" (R) and 22" (L) --- down 2" overall
BMI:
2008: 28.7 (at my highest)
2009: 28.0
2010: 26.5
2011: 24.2 (I'm finally in the "Normal" range!!!!)
So many changes over the past couple years.....
Ramping it up
At middle to end of summer the average week consisted of a couple 2-3 mile runs. The long runs were still guaranteed to be under an hour long. I was squeezing in cross training like rollerblading and biking. 5:30a.m. and 6am runs were my friend.
Enter September, the average run needs to be 4-5 miles with my long runs requiring over an hour of running. The mornings aren't as bright and the evening time for running is diminishing quickly. Add in that I'm suddenly working 40 hrs at one job and 5-15 at the other and I'm finding the time commitment a bit daunting.
At the same time, I can feel the last 2 months of training kicking in. Those longer runs aren't actually too bad, aside from time needed to fulfill them. I'm fairly steady with my pace and have made gains on speed on those shorter runs. I've done 3 miles in under 30 min and 2.5 in under 24! And don't even get me started on the amazing weather. The crispness in the air is a welcome change from the soup I found myself running in in late July.
Just 1 month til the half marathon.
2.5 months until my honemoon. After the half marathon, I can slow down the running a bit, but use the new time to add in the strength training so I can be in even better shape, possibly bikini shape by the time the boat sails! No matter what, I'll be wearing a bikini because it's the only swimsuits I have. It's just a matter of looking slightly less soft in them!
Enter September, the average run needs to be 4-5 miles with my long runs requiring over an hour of running. The mornings aren't as bright and the evening time for running is diminishing quickly. Add in that I'm suddenly working 40 hrs at one job and 5-15 at the other and I'm finding the time commitment a bit daunting.
At the same time, I can feel the last 2 months of training kicking in. Those longer runs aren't actually too bad, aside from time needed to fulfill them. I'm fairly steady with my pace and have made gains on speed on those shorter runs. I've done 3 miles in under 30 min and 2.5 in under 24! And don't even get me started on the amazing weather. The crispness in the air is a welcome change from the soup I found myself running in in late July.
Just 1 month til the half marathon.
2.5 months until my honemoon. After the half marathon, I can slow down the running a bit, but use the new time to add in the strength training so I can be in even better shape, possibly bikini shape by the time the boat sails! No matter what, I'll be wearing a bikini because it's the only swimsuits I have. It's just a matter of looking slightly less soft in them!
Friday, August 19, 2011
Why can't I just move on?
I swear i'm in an endless loop. I feel ok. Then out of nowhere I feel moody and mopey and I stay there. Then I feel slightly better, but not quite as ok as I felt before the mopeys. Its a negative feedback cycle. Lather, rinse, repeat.
The worst part is that deep down I know if you see yourself as a failure, that's how the world sees you yet I can't break out of this self loathing loop.
The worst part is that deep down I know if you see yourself as a failure, that's how the world sees you yet I can't break out of this self loathing loop.
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Catharsis
Today was "D" day, as in donation day. For about 2 months now we've had a big pile of clothes and a few boxes of household/kitchen goods ready and waiting to donate. When I initially put together these bags and boxes, I ignored several drawers of clothes and some areas of my closet. I managed to take all of my old size 12 dress pants off the hangers, but could not bear to part with them. I find that I doubt the staying power of my newly diminished frame and could not bear the idea of giving away pants that I very well may need again one day soon. So this pile of 8 or so pairs of dressy pants and a couple skirts sat there in the corner of my closet taunting me.
Today, the pile is gone. As I was putting them in the pile to go, I was hesitant. As I logged them for tax purposes, I was doubting my decision but as we dropped them off a sense of relief overcame me. It was as if I was shutting the door on a former life. Both a former life in terms of diet and weight and my former pre-layoff days. 2 years later, I still struggle with letting go and being let go. I feel the financial ramifications in my daily life, but rarely delve into the truly emotional journey its been and just how hard it is to rebuild confidence in oneself when an already low confidence level is completely blown to smithereens....
With the pile gone I'm moving on.
Today, the pile is gone. As I was putting them in the pile to go, I was hesitant. As I logged them for tax purposes, I was doubting my decision but as we dropped them off a sense of relief overcame me. It was as if I was shutting the door on a former life. Both a former life in terms of diet and weight and my former pre-layoff days. 2 years later, I still struggle with letting go and being let go. I feel the financial ramifications in my daily life, but rarely delve into the truly emotional journey its been and just how hard it is to rebuild confidence in oneself when an already low confidence level is completely blown to smithereens....
With the pile gone I'm moving on.
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