Here's an analogy for you:

I fear I'm beginning to sound like the 40 yr old persistently single lady living with 8 cats. All she desperately wants is what she can't seem to find and as time goes by, she gets more desperate. The desperation comes through in everything she says and does and can no longer hide it. Even when she's telling people that things are fine, it's being said with a increasingly crumbling facade. A thin, wavering smile just on the cusp of turning to despair....

One might infer from my description that I am talking about being single, but my friends you know that is not true. I'm talking about a job. I feel like I need to go into an interview with a glittery cap and tap dancing shoes screaming, "look at me! Look at me!!!! I've been here all along. Look, tell me how high to jump, I'm short but I'll jump as high as you want... no really!?!?  I will."

That optimism about "maybe it'll be the next one" or the one after that... is cracking

The knot is back...

That ever present knot is back in full force. The knot this time is filled with gut wrenching panic as I enter the land of no safety net. I'll now be navigating the world of trying to live solely on $9.00/hour.

I'm freaking out.

REALLY????

This is the person gaining national attention for politics???

Ok, I've tried to avoid the political mess at pretty much all costs, but REALLY? Normally this person would be laughed out of even being in contention. She honestly believes prayer is why she pulled ahead??? God is why she's running for office? WTF????  What in the hell happened to this country???

Then you have the whole mess in WI where Feingold, an all around good guy/voice of reason/sane political figure fighting to save his seat from going to Johnson -- a guy who doesn't even know anything except the GOP rhetoric he spouts off.

And don't even get me started on the big ball o'crazy that is Michelle Bachman.....

I know the country is a mess right now, but I think the last thing we need in office are people who are letting god make their decisions and folksy people who have no actual idea how things work. We need level headed people who can look beyond the man sitting in the executive office. People who can look beyond the party they've arbitrarily attached to their name. People who can come up with rational ways to get things under control. Then again, it's really easy to focus on one person when there's a whole bunch of crazy propping up those zealots....

*sigh.

Wow! That was fast!

I'm not talking about running, although with a title like that I almost could be....

I'm actually talking about something job application related. WHOA SHOCKER!! Right?

I kid you not, I finished my application online for a job less than 20 minutes ago and I already had a call for a phone interview!!!!

Day 8: Best Gift I received

In honor of my anniversary -- which is tomorrow!!!! I'm choosing my bling as my best gift. Tomorrow is 1 year since I received this wonderful bling and 5 years since I first went on a date with the man that would eventually buy a house with me, travel with me and give me this beautiful ring.

 And he gave that bling to me, despite the fact I do things like this:

(I had to lighten up the sappiness of this entry with a goofy pic)

Day 7: Favorite Books-- Non Fiction

Keep in mind, I'm kind of a dork. So I actually have favorite non-fiction books.

1) Books related to microbiology and history like:

• Man and Microbes - the co-evolution of humans and the microbes that plague/help us.

• The Ghost Map - it's about the founding of the study of epidemiology during a horrendous cholera outbreak in London during the 1850's.

• Level 4: Virus Hunters of the CDC -- all about the disease investigators who work in places like Africa identifying ebola, and other emerging infectious agents

2) Books related to nutrition and our food system

• Fast Food Nation

• What to Eat

• Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

Day 6: Favorite book: Fiction

I'd say my favorite fictional book is actually a series. I've been reading the books since 8th grade, but in the past couple years have fallen a bit behind.

I love the Kay Scarpetta novels by Patricia Cornwell. But only the Kay Scarpetta series. She has attempted to start up at least one other mystery series and I just have never really grown any attachment to them.

It all started when I picked this book up in 8th grade:


The series tends to be quite gory, but I love it! This is all before CSI came out and the general populations interest in forensic science increased. At one point I really wanted to be a forensic pathologist because of these books! I'm sure if I had had the aptitude to make it to medical school, I'd still be on that path.

I've tried to pick up various other murder mystery series, but none have quite captured my imagination like this series.

COOL!

I found the solution to watching the game on TBS and dealing with those stupid announcers and their overly obvious man-crush on Derek Jeter: ESPN game cast. I have the window open, not have to listen to commentary but get a play by play of what's going on. And I can still be watching other TV. the only downside is that whole not watching it thing and not getting to see those plays actually happening. But it'll do for a game I'm only interested in because I want the Yankees to lose!

The funny thing is that dear fiance is currently playing video games, not paying attention to the game at all. I'm the one paying attention!

Crossing that off the list

One thing thats been lingering on my list for many months now is to just call my insurance provider and figure out who I can see for dermatology and my other annual check ups, the protocol for seeing a specialist and where I'm covered. Many of this info was available on their website, but the protocol for going directly to a specialist was surprisingly absent from my literature. So today, I finally called.

In less than 2 hours I have managed to:

Schedule my first dermatology appointment since I left the U (May 2009).
Schedule my first physical since Feb 2009
Fill out my pre-appointment forms for my physical.-- online!!

My appointments will be happening in November which is a relief as I'd like to just get them out of the way. I was very relieved to be able to get into a dermatologist by mid November. When I was at the U, they usually were scheduling 3 months out!

Getting this taken care of is a HUGE weight off my shoulders! I have coloration at the very edge of my melanoma excision that has been nagging since even before that derm appointment at the U. I wasn't a very big fan of that doctor and am quite relieved to be giving someone else a shot! That guy was kind of rude and and completely dismissed my concerns about the pigmentation. Since then the pigmentation has grown which bugs me so hopefully I can get that addressed!

What is my dream job?

I've held many ideas what my dream job may be ranging from forensic pathologist to travel writer/photographer to disease investigator for the CDC.

Right now, my dream job isn't necessarily a specific field its more of a concept:

I don't worry so much about exact job anymore but things I want out of it:

1. flexible schedule -- or capability to have one
1. If I could telecommute, even better!
2. ability to keep leaning and growing
3.  No weekends
4. feeling of being in control of my own work
5. respect from my boss -- feeling like my input is listened to and respected.

Something that made me smile today

Those dang geico commercials.
You know the ones.

The woodchuck one

The Drill sergeant as a therapist

The little pig crying Wee all the way home


Between those and the Mayhem commercials for that other insurance company, I can't help but giggle.


I will close with a quote:
“Don’t follow the goddess of success or money. Do what you love and the goddess will find you.”


I've decided I need to figure out what I love. hopefully goodness will follow for me.

First thing I thought about to blog about

Well I fell behind by a day. So the first thing I can think of to blog about involves today.

It was a horrendously busy day with about 2 hours of "OMG this is the busiest I've seen it in a long time". I kind of felt like I was somehow old guard "I've seen things man" sort of way. My reward for this 8 hour day with absolutely no break whatsoever... $72 --pre-taxes. Ouch. I was so tired on my way home, I just about cried when I realized that. Yes, it's something, but wow, it sure doesn't feel like enough\.....

It is balanced by bridesmaid dress shopping though! We went on Saturday and it was good. I think we still like the same one.

The biggest surprise is I thought for sure I had made up my mind that we would probably go with black.... then I finally saw the dress in person, in red. I'm pretty sure red is the direction we're going if this is in fact the dress.....

One more shopping trip and hopefully we'll be placing an order!

Redemption is mine!

Wednesday was horrible for running. Everything felt so dang hard. I barely made it 15 minutes of running before we walked. WTH? This from the girl who just ran a 10K????  I was defeated that day. The diet had been suffering and I knew it was having an effect, as I posted earlier.

So Amber and I were supposed to run early this morning. A dreadful nights sleep, too much caffeine after 7pm (note to self: a small coffee, + 2 cups of tea, + coffee flavored ice cream will not yield a quality sleep!) meant that at 6:45 am I was really dreading that morning run. Needless to say, I wasn't terribly disappointed when Amber cancelled. I crawled back under my covers and snuggled up until 11am. I had promised her that it would be ok and that even if she wasn't going, I'd still run. So at 4:15, I still hadn't run and the chances of going were dwindling. The guilt was killing me. I rose from the couch and set out on my journey.

I don't know why but deep down I must think that because I ran a 10K that anything less than that shouldn't be hard, but it was! It was soooo much harder than I wanted it to be. I set my sights on 30 minutes and wound up quitting at 35 minutes. I huffed and puffed as I sat down at my computer to figure out distance, so sure that I maybe made it 2.9 miles.

Guess what??? It was 3.25! So that helps explain why it was so much harder than I expected. Generally when you go from usually running at a 12-13 minute mile to a 10 min mile on a standard run, its going to be hard! I recovered quickly though and now all I feel is good. So happy that I got out there and seized this beautiful fall day!

My comfort food

Kraft Mac n Cheese!

Call me a thief

So I really like Beth's blogging challenge. I've decided to create my own. I've worked out a list of 15 things to blog about, only I'm not going to reveal the list so each day is a surprise. Besides being a copycat, I just feel like my blog has gotten a bit stale: rotating between complaining and talking about running --which is probably only exciting to me. So here we go:

Day 1) Favorite Trip

This is actually harder to decide that I initially thought. So many are my favorites and for different reasons.
Where I've gone:
 2001: Ireland
2006: Jamaica, Duluth, San Francisco
2007: Road Trip followed by cruise to Grand Cayman, Cozumel; Greece; Vegas
2008: Cruise to PR, Saint Maarten/Saint Martin, and St. Thomas; Argentina;  NYC
2009: Road Trip to Toronto, Niagara Falls and NYC

Today I will talk about:  Greece, 2007
This trip was amazing. I was right at a funny point in my life -- things were progressing with my someday fiance and we were talking about moving in. I was freaking out because of the implications of moving in together -- moving 90 miles, committing to a hellish commute. Before that I was doing some things to sabotage myself. So on top of this being a trip with one of my best friends, it was a soul searching trip. I spent 2 weeks sightseeing, relaxing, getting food poisoning from either MSP or Frankfurt airport and then getting sicker than a dog on a ferry from Athens to Mykonos. I also managed to read a book and in general meditate on life. Some pictures that take me back:

 Acro = top of, Polis = city: Acropolis = top of the city....

 With seas that upset, can you see how I wound up sick on the Ferry? This is even calmer than when I was on it!

Mykonos

 on the beach

 Sunset in Mykonos

 Giant tasty donut, Paros, Greece

 Driving the smart car

 I love my smart car!

 Santo Winery, Santorini

 The flat side of Santorini

I was really excited to see just plain skim milk.... not too much of that on the islands!

Cleaning

Finally using my days off to do some cleaning and it feels great! The only bad thing with cleaning is it brings to light all of the things I wish were done. It also brings to light fiance's complete stubbornness to change certain things. Sometimes he acts like a little kid, where things HAVE to be a certain way. The couch must line up at a certain angle with the TV, the bed can't be moved because then it won't match something else. We can't do the baseboards in the office because he refuses to go through his boxes upon boxes of crap --seriously if its been in a box for 3 or more years, do we really need it????  He refuses to get rid of a futon that no one uses except as a pile for crap... I must be substantially less sentimental than he because he refuses to get rid of things. 

The joy of living with another person, huh? 

Musings on diet

So for the past few weeks I've been working a lot of 2nd shifts. Therefore, my eating habits have suffered as I'm not making dinner at home. 

I used to live as a 2nd shift girl, holed up in a lab, eating maybe 1 real meal a day followed by a diet of junk food and alcohol. My body paid the price. I was puffier than I thought (looking back at pictures I realize this), I had no physical endurance whatsoever despite working out. I was stressed in ways I didn't realize.

Fast Forward to 2010: I drastically cut my sugar consumption, took up running pretty hard core (at least July to August I was pretty darn hardcore, now I'm just moderately insane about it) and really took the strides I needed to healthy eating: reduced fast food and eating out, lots of good food stocked and cooked at home, etc. 

So now, going back to that 2nd shift life, I'm noticing the effect more than ever. I'm sleeping later, needing more coffee to get going. My energy is suffering as my diet has gone down the proverbial drain. It never ceases to amaze me that I can eat like crap, change my diet for the better and not really notice a change in how I feel, but then I fall off the bandwagon and revert to those old habits and instantly notice the effect. I have a few days off. Time to get back on track for sure because this does not make me feel good. 

It's also amazing to me, that I can notice this and long not for chocolate and crappy foods of old, but for the good for me foods I have been eating.... Is this proof I've turned the corner towards a heatlhy lifestyle? I hope so!

Maybe, I need a new 30 day project solely focused on diet?  

slightly better today

Yesterday was a low point.

On top of finding out for sure that the job was not mine to be had, I reached the end of my most recent unemployment extension. Mondays are always moody too when I have to apply for my weekly benefit because I don't feel like I should still be in this situation.

Some good news
1) I'm pretty sure I'm being groomed for potentially rising through the ranks so I guess I'm not a complete screw up.
2) I've found 2 jobs I'm in process of applying for

sigh

Disappointment has worn into anger. I'm just so sick of trying to hold it all together. Put that positive spin on things. Sick of looking at position after position after position. Sick of putting the effort into resumes and applications that I never hear back from. I'm sick of the fact I've been at this for over a year and a half now and all I could land was part time work and have put in probably 150 applications/resumes. Tired of reading job description after job description and trying to muster up even 1/2 excitement about it....

ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh.

And really sick of feeling like i'm one thing away from financial ruin and that my life has crapped the proverbial bed....

Well I was kind of expecting that...

I was not selected for the teller job.

At least they called me. That seems to be a luxury now which is sad. I definitely appreciated it. Although I will admit when I saw I had a missed call from them I kind had my hopes moving in a different direction....

I knew I'd probably lose out to someone with banking experience due to its lead teller status so I wasn't blindsided or anything. I think thats the only reason I lost out though. Kinda sucks, every article says don't hang on to your field try something new, but places are still won't really take you seriously if you don't have the experience in their field. So how in the hell am I supposed to start over? This is why I still only work part time in a coffee shop....

So, uh, now what?

So the 10K is done. Now what?

I was a little worried about soreness because of how fast I ran and the amount of hills, but today I was just fine. I actually am kind of chomping at the bit to get back out there! Yet another sign of true addiction!

10K race vs 5K race:
I really enjoyed the 10K. At first while Amber and I were waiting, I'll admit, I was intimidated. The true runners were gathering -- you know the beautiful ones who can run in tiny shorts and sports bras. The men with long lean graceful gazelle like legs..... In other words, the people who look nothing like me! I began to worry. 5K is a great distance and now it feels like a familiar "easy" distance but it was nice not to have to dodge the stroller runners and kids!

What is my plan for the future?
The weather will be changing and not surprisingly the amount of 10K's and longer distance runs diminish because honestly who wants to plan to spend over an hour running in the cold? And for event planners the weather becomes dicier .. But there are lots of 5K's and runs around 5 miles for me to do so I plan on staying active for sure! I'm hoping to keep working on speed and set a goal of a 32 minute 5K time.

Upcoming potential races:

1. End of October: Monster Dash 5K
2. Nov 13th: 5 mile run 
3. Thanksgiving: some kind of 5K or walk
4. New Years: Polar Dash (5K or 10K!!!)
5. Valentines Day 5K
6. Get Lucky 7K in March

Reviews of the training program I followed:

It was a pretty intense program involving 6 days of training a week. I was very gung-ho in the beginning and the discipline was good to get me going, but then inevitably life got in the way and I began to slack. But I was also burning out so I stepped back and began to run when I felt like it. Funny thing happened, I began to really enjoy it again! I still focused on going for 1 long run a week and getting out there 2-3 times a week total.

I did like that it focused on things like cross training and strength training.... Even if I totally half-ass'd the strength training.  tee hee.

Plan for the week: short to medium length runs coupled with some sprints.

It feels great that I accomplished my goal and I'm spurred onward and excited to keep running!

the 10k!!!!!

I have achieved my goal!

This unseasonably warm morning of October 9th, I ran my first 10k!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It was about 20 degrees warmer than I would have preferred but the sun was shining and Elm Creek Park reserve's display of fall foliage made for a gorgeous, albeit extremely hilly, run. Amber and I started out together, but around mile 2 a long slow incline separated us and we spent the remainder of the run on our own sojourn, fighting the hardest enemy of all: ourselves. 

When I said the course was hilly, I do not lie. It felt like the whole thing was a series of varying sizes of hills with very few downhill relief points. It was TOUGH!  Luckily for me, I live in a very hilly suburb so the majority of my runs involve hills. I also tend to run faster uphill because I just want to get it over with quickly and then "rest" on the downhills and straightaways. It was enough hills that by the last couple series of hills I was swearing to myself and wishing I could just stop, but knowing that I would feel worse if I did. So I kept pushing onward.

From Mile 2 to around mile 4 I ran with a fellow 1st 10k-er and it was going well. She had one of those sophisticated watches that told you distance and pace. I lost her at mile 4 though when she decided to walk through the water stop and I kept going. From there on I was back to being completely by myself. I think Mile 2 to 4 were actually the hardest because they felt like they were dragging to me. At Mile 5, a volunteer was giving each passing runner an update on time. I crossed mile 5 at 56 min 40 seconds! Wow! That really gave me an idea that I was going to make my goal of 72-75 minutes, little did I  know I was actually going to come in UNDER my goal. I hit the 6 mile marker and began my descent to the finish line and even managed to sprint across the finish line. And promptly wanted to throw up. That last push and all those hills really took a lot out of me.

Time I saw when I crossed: 70 min 30 sec!!!!

Later today I found out my actual time: 69 min, 58 seconds!!!! So I completely blew my goal out of the water and came in under 70 minutes!

Amber followed in a couple minutes behind at 72 min, 40 sec. 

I celebrated tonight with a few things

1) Totally took about a 1/2 hour nap this afternoon

2) No food tracking

3) because of no tracking, I essentially let myself have whatever I wanted because gosh darn it, I deserved it as a reward for achieving my goal

Oh yeah, Icing on the cake, I weighed in at 137.6! Down 11 pounds since July.

I feel amazing, proud, grateful and fired up for my next goal and to keep running. 

My sleep personality

and what it says about me:


I found this article on MSN and couldn't help delving into it. I've decided that I am a cross between:

The Late-to-Bed, Late-to-Rise Sleeper

If you’re more productive, alive and energetic at night, you’re an owl. Your alarm clock—if you even have one—is likely buried under a pillow. Smolensky describes a classmate who would call wake-up services, set multiple alarms to ring and blast music, yet was still unable to get out of bed in the morning. Even though he forced himself to stay in when he had morning classes, he still couldn’t fall asleep early at night—and had to drop out of graduate school. Fortunately, most owls aren’t that extreme.
Owls are best left undisturbed before they've had their cup of coffee. In contrast to larks, low moods typically occur upon awakening, but mid-morning and late evenings are creative peaks.   
“Owls seem to be more outgoing and social,” says Smolensky, “They also tend to be risk-takers.”  
Teenagers are notorious owls—at puberty, the body clock changes and even those who tend to be lark-like become more nocturnal until their mid- to late 20s, when they revert to their more usual patterns. 
Though most owls are able to adjust to the 9-5 work routine, extreme night owls may feel completely out of synch in such an environment. Consider a night shift, or a job you can do from home, on your own schedule.

The Long Sleeper

Another way in which our sleep styles vary involves how long we like to sleep. If you crave a lot of sleep—even more than eight hours per night—it's likely you fall into the category of “people who need people,” as the Streisand song goes. 
Norah Vincent, Ph.D., an associate professor and clinical psychologist at the University of Manitoba in Canada, conducted a large study examining the relationship between sleep and personality in nearly 6,000 Americans. 
"People who were more reliant on others for good feelings about themselves tend to sleep significantly longer,” she says, noting that there's nothing abnormal about this, it's just a measure on which people vary significantly.
However, long sleepers do have a tendency toward depression, a condition that is also very sensitive to the amount of social support people have in their lives. Staying in close touch with family and friends improves health for virtually everyone—but long sleepers should keep these ties strong and active.

I am happiest when I stay up til about 11:30-1am and rise about 8-10am. This is why 8am classes were near impossible for me to succeed in because I could not get adequate sleep hours in and my brain just does not function that wonderfully early in the morning. When I open at the coffee shop (5am) I have many problems with basic things like counting and even forming sentences --until the caffeine kicks in artificially waking me up. Its why the best chemistry class I had occurred at 10am. I could never process complex material at 8am. 

Its why I forever feel like I'm an owl trying to succeed in a early bird world. the proverbial square peg in a round hole situation...

I'm also a dreaming sleeper which helps explain my creativity. 

Who's ready for 10K???

I am! I am! 

OMG! 

My 2.5 month journey is coming to an end. The day is quickly approaching and is less than a week away!!  To be honest, I didn't really think I'd actually follow through with this. I figured I'd hit a wall at 4 miles and never make it that extra push to 6.2. 

I also didn't have any idea the intangible changes as well as the physical changes that would occur.

Physical Changes:

Weight lost: 10.0 pounds since July

Measurements:

    Just under bust: 30"   ------  -3.5"

    Waist: 32"  -----   -2.5"

    Hips: 38.5" ----- -2.0"

    Thighs: 23.5" (R), 23" (left) ---- -1.0"

Average pace: July: 13 minute mile

                     October: 10-12 minute miles

Intangibles:

 I just plain feel better about myself and carry myself with more confidence. Setting a goal and seeing those physical changes. Seeing my pace quicken. I can barely enunciate how I feel. 

I feel transformed, energized and once again grateful.